Silence.

And so it is, once more.

A weary head, falling asleep.

Nights of the same.

Again and again.

This is what will become of me.

An empty bedroom, a clenched stomach.

My heart is grinding against my chest.

The door is locked, he hands me the key.

A little less cold.

My fingers release the grip.

...safe?

And so it goes, the first time.

A bag. A card. A note.

My heart relentlessly pounding.

My tongue involuntarily licks my lips.

bite.

My head is a buzz, laugh and laugh.

A voice in my head tries to tell me,

Warns me to be safe when I party.

But I can't listen anymore.

I can't hear.

My body is confused and feels broken.

I touch. I stroke. I shake my hair.

A head to my chest.

Listens to my disgusting heart.

yours.

I am free now, a pretty dress adorns me.

My bare hands a symbol of what is lost.

And yet a kiss still lingers on my lips.

Waiting to be shared.

never.

With all this madness...

I feel alive.

Yet pushing on without me,

I am so silent now.

oh god i just had to blog. right this second.

I HATE when i can't think of anything i love I HATE when people act all non-chalont about everything when really they care it's just fucking mean I HATE when i work really damn hard and don't get anywhere I HATE when i can't sleep because i'm thinking too much I HATE looking at all this stupid facebook bullshit and how people get real hard when they don't have to look at your face I HATE that i wasn't angry before i started writing this I HATE not knowing i'm hurting until i cry my stupid fricken eyes out.

Hit my self destruct button?

i can't think right now. today i had my first driving lesson, which was so stressful, like i nearly crashed ten times. in school all day i was fucking ill and couldn't concentrate. then i spent half an hour fucking trying to convince my mother that my boyfriend isnt stringing me along. why am i doing this? she's convinced he doesn't treat me well. so i ring him like he asked me to so that he can come round. he says he's tired now. this doesn't bother me, but what my mum thinks does. so im cheeky to him GRRR

Don't go out tonight.

(8) When we said, Don't you ever come back, Don't you.
Don't go out tonight, Baby can't you see,
What is happening to you, What is happening?
So whose fault is it anyway, Don't say,
We don't know, We both know that we made a mistake,
It's hard to live together forever, Well, that's what they say,
We still regret what we said, What we said. (8)

I'm freaking out about turning 17, like honestly freaking out.

I really don't wanna be 17.

And i'm upset about everything.

I can't concentrate because i've got so much to think about.

And everytime I try and let myself drift off i can't do it, because there's too much to fucking think about.

I wish ciara was here, or at least i could text her.

Because right now i need someone who's close to me.

And she's the only person i'm truely close to.

I'm fucking worried about talking to The Dude aswell, i fucking don't wanna do it, and i think i'll probably pussy out at the last minute.

I wish he understood.

eughh i can't deal with any of this shit, i don't wanna be alone right now, i can't stop myself from feeling like this. I can't fucking deal with selfishness. At all. That's what is breaking us apart.

Now.

Well. I was going to go to sleep. But i need to gather my thoughts.
I am feeling so immensely indifferent right now.
Have had a hangover for two days now, as i was out with roisin friday and a house party last night.
Last night was unreal.
An old friend was there.
I used to like him, and he used to like me. So it was awesome to see him. We had a fun time :) and i made a new friend, he was brilliant :) the whole night was really good because i was drinking, but this morning i just felt really shitty. I heard new friend saying 'is she ok?' and stuff, which was really comforting. Then this really arrogant guy was leaning over me going 'are you alive?' and i was like eurghhhh.
I felt so out of place now that my favourite people had left.
I felt really wierd and horrible, so i left without giving james a hug.
I got the bus on my own.
Got to town on my own.
Had half an hour to dander about.

My mp3 player was so in sync with me. i felt like i was in donnie darko. tears for fears played and it made me really happy, and i smiled at people. i walked into the disney shop and looked at the new princess and the frog stuff, and didnt get annoyed when the security guard followed me. i looked over a photographers shoulder. he was standing on a little ladder and pointing his camera in the city hall direction, he had a massive tripod. and i realised im kind of into photography now.

I just feel like i can't really talk to anyone right now.
I can talk to the guy in england.
But thats only because he's not like real.
he's just a perfect illusion of what i want a person to be, and i am to him.
He sent me a letter yesterday.
It's perfect too.
It makes me sad that some day we might meet up and we won't be so perfect anymore.
He's such a good friend to me.

I hate seeing people unhappy. I don't know whats happening with everyone now.
I don't like finding out that my friends boyfriend is being a dick again.
I loved it when they were my idea of perfection.
He's a wanker to me now.
I hate that he's not exactly what she wants.
Because you can't help who you fall in love with.
And all i want is for them to be happy again.
I have nothing else to say, so i'm going to lie down for a while.
I wish i had a hand to hold right now.
His hand.

im outtie.

favourite arcade.

im so sick of being melodramatic.
so im going to write this with no stupid lyrics, no stupid metaphors, just like it is.

i've been seeing my "boyfriend" on and off for like a year and a bit..
yet we've only been offical for not even a month.
and in this month, i have seen him like...three times?!
all three times i have went to him.
in this month, he has stood me up like.. three times.
so he's stood me up the same amount of times i've seen him.

what i'd like to know is, what have i actually got out of this month?
i've got collectively like seven hours of happiness with him.
he doesn't text me unless we're making plans, so i haven't had those little awesome times either when you get a text that makes you smile and you feel loved, nope, haven't had that.
thinking about it, he doesn't even text me when we ARE making plans.

the bottom line is.. i can't see other people, and i can't see him either? im basically single, but not allowed to see anyone.

self esteem is like this much *holds thumb and finger apart*

it's not that we don't have a great time when we're together, and i do love him, but i'm starting to wonder if this is the right thing.

personally i think people should have equal amounts of respect for each other, take turns in visiting each other, and WANT to see each other, in a relationship. clearly, i have none of these things.

i just want him to show me he loves me. right now he's just another guy.