Wake up Sleeping Beauty wake up!

With everything that's been going on I forgot to write about my date with The Ex/The Dude the other night.

wow, I asked him to meet me at 5, he did. I asked him if he wanted to go to the cinema, he paid. he opened doors for me, held my hand and he laughed at me when I got scared of a guy dressed as the frank rabbit. I felt safe with him. he bought us a chinese and we fell asleep together.

I'm actually so impressed.
my mate says it's "two years too late" but I think it's just right :)
I'm excited!

Date me. Or don't, whatever.

So prom was last night.

I have pictures but I haven't got my camera.

The night was so tainted.

I actually hated parts of it.

One of my best friends got SO PISSED at me.

It was horrible.

He's never gotten angry at me before.

Then I got angry that he was angry.

See I hadn't seen Hot Guy in ages, he used to be a really close mate. actually we "went out" in p4, hahaha adorable. anyway, he offered me a joint in his hotel room and I asked My Mate if that was cool and he said yes.

Then Tall Girl went and got her boyfriend who was with My Mate and they came up then left again. Rocker Afro Guy was there too, and me and him used to hang in first year. It was really cool to see him again, and we shared a joint out the window and he kissed me and stuff, then I told him I had to go and he was like "i've wanted to do this since first year" and I was like "mannnn we're not doing anything, I have to go" so we left and I saw My Mate walking away. So I went to talk to him and he totally blanked me. And I didn't understand. Then Tall Girl said he was pissed off because he said he'd heard "groans" from the room (groans?!?) I seriously did not get it and I tried to explain (even though I felt it was nobodys business even if I had done something) and he said he "didn't know what was going on" and that he heard me with "william" and I was like WHAT. like who the hell is william?

So he had it in his head i'd fucked some random guy in a hotel room.

So much for knowing me.

Then he was saying this to people.

I just felt like absolute shit. I talked to him as much as possible because I didn't want to ruin his night but I can tell he didn't believe me.

It really hurt that he would jump to conclusions and then not even open his mind to the possiblity he didn't hear what he thought he heard. even this morning he said about a mark on my neck. and I was like... "yeah that was already there from The Ex's last night" and he was like "I didn't see it" Then he told me that's why he was annoyed too, because he thought I was cheating too.

Eugh.

I think he's dealing with some other shit right now so i'm trying to let the whole thing slide but the fact that I know he's thinking something untrue about me is really fucking annoying.

I'm glad I had Sexylovergirl with me or I don't know what I would have done.

Well anyway, both my childhood crushes kissed me, so, success.

You. Are. A. Fucking. Whore.

Song for lovers..

Here’s a song for lovers
Who don’t care if they don’t sleep
If dragonflies with heavy hearts
Cut the air like darts

Here’s a song for lovers
Who won’t ever have to weep
Clear-sighted eyes and uncried tears
All bright out in the sun

You were far too young dear
To get so close to the clouds
No one told you to stay awake
For pleasures of that kind

You were far too small
To step far outside of your house
Now you saw how dragonflies
Tint their hearts with dark

Here’s a song for lovers
Who don’t care if they bleed

You. Are. Naïve.

Fuck this bullshit, it's time for smiles.

earlier, my friend text me asking me if she should stay with her boyfriend.
obviously i have no right to answer this, one because i don't know him well enough to make an informed judgement and two, because i have no idea how he really makes her feel.
so i told her: do what makes you happy, regardless of what other people think.

you just have to.
sure, the odd cry gets out the sorrows, but people who get upset for days on end over little things need to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. it's ok!

You. Are. Happy :)

monster in my tummyyy.

euggrhhh. i am freaking out.
see i've had this really crazy pain that comes and goes in my tummy for like three weeks now.
I didn't think much of it at the start, but it's got like all the time.
i've never had a strange pain. i've only ever had sore throats and stuff.
i've got an appointment wednesday but i was talking to my mate matthew today and he TOTALLY freaked me out. plus i've been looking up my symptoms and all signs point to: not good.
i'm hoping for the best but thinking the worst.
sheesh.

Que tu m'aimais encore, serais ce possile alors?

I guess I was wrong
about the kisses you bestowed on me
the hands that roamed on me
(the nights my heart spoke to you)
the girl that was put behind you
the "job" that "took all of your time"
(the words that said "..the love of my life")
the bed that held us there
the smiles that made us
(the convenience of your lies)
the poetry I inspired, indeed
the snow and sun, we walked
(the nothingness you portrayed to me)
the beauty that wilted now
the bodies are gone
(are you happy now, "lover"?)

what i wanna know baby, if what we had was good, how. come. you. don't. call me. anymore.

i'm so disappointed.
but i seen it coming.
so i went out tonight, and it was okay! i still feel like i'm in a relationship though, so the man action was minimal. i did the usual and got whatever i could from them then ditched. tonight it was a free lift, ahoo.
i just feel so let down tonight.
everything was bullshit, he never meant what he said. and i was stupid enough to take him back again and again, and believe him again and again.
i'll never be able to be free in a relationship again.
jaded.

don't be a little bitch with your chit chat, just show me where your dicks at.

we were meant to be seeing each other today.
he waited until an hour and a half before we were meant to meet up to tell me he wasn't in the "mood".
i overreacted like i always do, but he didn't even apologise until i pointed it out, TWICE. seriously.
i just feel like he constantly plays games with me, he says he still loves me and all, then he does stuff like this that makes me think it's all bullshit.
i told him to ring me if he wanted to salvage this.
i just want some sign that i should hold on......

WHY CAN'T MEN JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT?
my god, what are you, stupid?!
eeeeeeeep!
:)

Uni, winter, NAP TIME!

Oh my god, i forgot how cold winter is. I feel tired ALL THE TIME. i constantly take these little naps and don't even realise, pfft.
Today was good though, one of those "nothing much happened but it was nice" days. my friend brought me in a present though! one of those slabs with the pens for photoshop that my daddy uses, wowee!

It'll be handy when i go to uni to do ANIMATIONNNN :) yes, i've chosen my course. went to the uni yesterday with this animater guy Greg Maguire, and jeez i love the place.. yay!

La La, love plus one!

I never say anything "just because".
I say things because I know they'll make you smile.
...bleh.

And sometimes love isn't enough.

If there is no longing, desperation, and you let that person walk out of your life so easily.. then I don't believe in love

...But relationships are hard.

They are a constant power struggle, they are difficult and consuming.
Past relationships taint new ones, people can't let others in where their last love lay.
People don't know how to trust, commitment is stress to those who are unsure.
People lie to each other.
People are too proud to accept if they are wrong.
People give up on what they want. They let their loves go, why?
I always put myself out there and get walked over for it. But when everything disintegrates i'll know i've done all I could.

I always thought..

when I fell in love, the person would know exactly the right things to say and how to treat me.

a month already.

...this is it.
it's time to move on.

For the first time.

Heard this song for the first time like 10 minutes ago.

Lines of mascara running down my face is an attractive look I say.

You. Are. Strong.

FUCK. why is life and death so horrible. this hwole fucking world is so horrible and disguasting, we're fucked from the day we're born. there is nothing. this is everything. this horrible, painful, numbness. nothing.

i hate it all. why do htings happen. why is it all over.

Day Seven.

The EX text me last night, shocker. he's doing that thing where he sends me like two texts then doesnt text me again. i don't really see the point. i know if i text him back it's likely i won't get a response. so i don't attempt to make conversation.

Today, Cute Boy helped me with photoshop, awesome. at the end of the day i thanked him and told him to text me. he doesn't have my number, but if he really wants it he can find it. we'll see! also people have been saying i'm looking happier recently, ah! :)

Day Six.

Today i found out cute boy from school is thinking about asking me to prom.
and you know. i might say yes.
why the fuck shouldn't i go to my own prom?
jeez, why do i punish myself by denying myself these things.
it wasn't the plan, yeah, but so fuck?
imma buy me ANOTHER pretty dress.

lataaaaa ;)

I. Am. Alive.

reality

the best friend, I talk to through text alone.
the boy, i'll probably never see again. even if I did, I wouldn't remember his face.
the coffee shop has closed down, empty.
the cd is most likely lost or broken, like everything else i've given to him.
and the boyfriend.. who at the time gave me everything I wanted, and treated me just how I wanted to be treated, changed. so did I. and we diminished over the months. grew tired. finally we reduced ourselves to nothing. are we just bodies to each other now?

expectations.

last night a memory came back to me, and I couldn't shake it.
it was last winter, icy. I was in town, and I was happy. I always love belfast town near christmas.
I left my best friend and went to a bus stop.
there I met a student boy. we talked, it was a happy, random conversation.
I was in a good mood that day.
the bus brought me to a coffee shop, where my boyfriend waited. he beamed when he saw me..
I gave him a cd i'd just bought him with his favourite song on it,
and I adored that he liked it..

Day Five.

today i decided i wasn't going to school.
i'm not sick or anything, i just refused to go.
actually i decided that last night at half 1, when i was a total mess.
i don't really understand it. it came out of fucking nowhere, it was like crazy. one minute i was fine, the next minute i couldn't stop crying and i was thinking all these terrible things that i couldn't get out of my head, i couldn't even sleep through all the stupid crying.

how queer am i.

then i wore a mismatched outfit BAM.

i'm wishing desperately for someone to save me.

to look after me.

and at the same time pushing everyone away in an attempt to protect myself from my own imminent disillusionment.

Constantly and unbearably destroying myself.

I. Am. Vacant.

please make it stop.
please.

I heard that was you..

who mistook the steak for chicken?
who'm i gonna stick my dick in?
we're not those kids
sittin on the couch.
who mistook this crap for genius?
who is gonna stroke my penis?
we're not those kids
sittin on the couch.
sittin on the couch.

hey you, could you give it a rest, just take me home, come on and get me undressed. we're geeks but we know, this is ****

how temporary is this plan, because i am not yours and you are not mine.
i like to walk around your room in my underwear and i like it when you stare.
so i crept up so slowly, i crept up behind you
my legs around your waist
my breath on your neck
and i felt like my tummy might explode! :)
and my limbs are owwie from too much "dancing"
and my lips are big from kisses,
and i want you so badly, all of the time.
i'm sorry we're so incompatible,
because i always feel like i did the first time..with you

Are you class? i'm feckin clesss like

fuck me, i am happy.
know why?
i have zero stress!
i'm satisfied.
i'm partied out.
i'm committed to no bitch.
i've stopped giving a fuck about school.
i don't have a job.
i was less than 2 metres away from mike fielding last night! ah
i'm nearly 18.
i don't have anyone or anything to look after.
i'm saying this now in a happier way than i have done before.
i am well and truely mine.
it's kickass!
:)

Rawrmeowlalalalalala, pow pow!

later homies, have a good one whatever you're doing.

She'd be a whole lot prettier if she smiled once in a while. (love to you bloggers)

(8) Everything's gonna be alright, Rockaby (8)

So I felt a bit shitty a few days ago. Because I found out something I didn't want to know and lost faith in humanity.
But you know what? I was sitting on the bus the other morning, listening to Lullaby by Shawn Mullins, and I hadn't listened to it for ages, even though I used to play it flat out. You should listen to it while you read this blog actually, if you haven't heard it. That might be nice. It's not a great song, but it reminds me of when I was little and my momma would play it all the time :)




I like it because he talks through a lot of it and it's hard to sing along to :)

Yeah anyway, I was listening to that on my little country-road bus journey and I was on blogger on my phone (I turned off facebook so I need to occupy myself) and I saw my name, and it was under a post entitled "I. Am. Alone" which I signed off with last time. I read it, and it made me totally fucking happy, then I read Daniels blog and he mentioned me in it too.

And I realised that there is so much more, minor setbacks are just that. My life is not confined to a small town where I live, or the small town I go to school in, Or the slightly bigger town I spend most weekends in. There are people i've never met, amazing people. People I could dance with. People I could listen to music with and sing with. People to drink and smoke with. People to make love with. People to fall in love with. People to hug and people to kiss.

My life will change and mould into something completely undefinable. I am looking forward to the future. This isn't all there is.

The other thing it made me realise is how I started this blog just to get things I was writing out there, I never thought i'd talk to anyone on here, or even read anyone else's stuff, but I have. Shit, i've been talking to Daniel for more than a year (happy anniversary, darling!) and I don't feel like my day is complete unless we talk. And yet i've never put my arms around him or watched a film or seen his face for reals! it's fucking crazzzayyy.

Daniel's Blogs, Alive but not Breathing and Project: ThreeHundredAndSixtyFive

Then I met this awesome free-thinker who decided to follow me one day, she is gorgeous and unique. I highly recommend her awesome readings.
Julias Blog, I Wish I Were British and this post that I like alot.

And Ross! who I haven't got to know very well yet, but kinda hope to as he seems awesomeundooo. he writes this funny little blog and has a sort of alter-ego which is cool, and recently gave people the option to get the right answers to a blog he did, which is like seeing the real him, I sorta love that :) it's well cool.
Ross' Blog, Comical Musings

And my beautiful Shannie, (AKA ross AKA miffy) who is the only person I knew in person before reading her blog. I love reading it because she talks about things I understand and she's full of vintage loveliness. I like her smile and the way she almost knocks me over with hugs. You should have a read.
Shannie's les Danseurs Rubans
She's also multi talented and can do ART wowee! and take beautiful photos and videos like THIS! :) I miss you babe.

I hope you gives have enjoyed this post. I don't do enough long one's anymore.
You guys are fucking kickass.

Here's some picture's that make me feel really happy :)

You. Are. Special.

So Happily Screwed.

What happens when someone you considered so close fucks you over?

This is what happens: You give up on everybody.



The people I know are just people.
The friends I hang out with are "just people"
The Men and the Girls that I kiss are "just people"







Everyone I know has a life outside of knowing me. Sometimes you have to kind of realise that.

I don't know people as well as I think. I am only a part of a massively big thing. Their life.


I will never know what goes through someones head when they do something that I can't ever comprehend.

Like stripping me of my privacy, taking away my intimate conversations and making them into a mockery. Taking away moments and words that I thought were my own.


I would turn to someone to talk to about this.


But I belong to no one.
I am no ones best friend.
I am no ones girlfriend.
Not anymore.
I am mine.


That's all that I can trust in.

I think about everything I used to have. The people I loved. The trust I put in people. The care people showed me. I wish I missed it more. But I feel nothing.


This is strangely comforting. In an incredibly defeatist way.

You. Are. Alone.

*consider yourself one of my best friends.
consider yourself one of my enemies.*