"if only everything was as simple as a mans pride"

either be in my life.
or don't.
simple as.
you don't get to choose when. always, or never.
yes i'm talking to you.
father.

Mindfuck dreamage.

Last night I had this dream that I was in a house in the middle of nowhere.
i had a joining room with Cute Boy and he was still angry that i don't just want to see him (funny that) But my friend Banter Guy came in. I had sex with him, and this super naive virgin girl. he gave us flowers. So THEN i was with making out with a random guy, and realised i wanted Cute Boy. so it was like a movie, i ran to tell him i now wanted to be with him. i went to kiss him and he handed me the phone. it was my ex. MINDFUCK.

Snow covers up all emotional flaws.

GUESS WHAT? I was in a traffic jam today, and it started to snow. It was so beautiful! I've never driven in snow before.
My street was pretty too.


Sometimes I just wish that I could.. feel..that way again.

Therapy session #5-You're just a big fish in a small pond.

It's beaut when people think they have the ability to "change the world" or whatever when they're really just unimaginative, unoriginal melters.

I went to these awards last night, all these semi-famous (for belfast) people were there, and i was sitting with the mayor on one side and this old, controversial artist on the other side called Conrad and he was telling me to get away from here for art college.

I'm starting to agree. there's nothing here for me anymore.

I'm starting to fucking despise sex dreams.

Hey, i'm daryl and i like to think i'm "unconventional" because i wear doc's to prom.

...or maybe, if you noticed, they're just REALLY comfortable. plus i don't wanna be taller than my date. that's stupid.

ahh i'm really excited now though!!!
i just found out cute boy got me a corsage. how beaut is that! i told him not to and everything then he told me he got me one and was like "don't be silly i knew you wanted one" and it sounds PERFECT. black and pink flowers and pearls.

SERIOUSLY, PEARLS. I DIDN'T EVEN ASK HIM AND HE KNOWS WHAT I WANT.

i can't say i'm not totally impressed :)

Listen with your heart!

i want you to know something really important...

*leans in and starts whispering in your ear in that annoying but enjoyable way that tickles*

...you're amazing.
talented.
beautiful.
you might look in the mirror and see flaws. but embrace them.
love yourself.
dance naked!
wear clothes that make you feel kickass.
hug somebody, NOW!
don't put your happiness into someone elses hands, trust yourself.
treasure your mind, it's amazing. nobody thinks like you do.
do what makes you happy!

*smiles*

burn the rollerdisco down.

what i don't get about our generation, right, is that we don't care. we literally do not give a flying fuck about anything, just absolute bollocks like stupid uk reality shows and who banged who on the weekend.
i'm getting sick of this repetitive shit. i'm sick of no one being passionate anymore, sick of people bitching just because they're bored. i'm sick of leering bastards who just wanna screw, sick of people thinking they know what's right. we suck. we're all dirtbegs. fuck the system.

I want to curl up in bed and make the world go away.

i spent all day yesterday being an emotional wreck.
i tried to sort thing's out with people.
but i didn't have the guts to.
i picked up the phone.
i dialled the number.
i didn't ring.
instead i was really stupid and for a while my brain shut down.
oh well it's done now.

i want so much more than this.
there must be more.
eughh.
whatever.
i wish i had something inspiring to say.
but i'm not really looking forward to anything,
so i'm not passionate.

bye.

"Balance. Harmony. Beauty."

You said you loved me
and I kinda believed that
but these days
who knows what it means?

"Why is it that we all need to be loved, but then when somebody finally says, I love you, people just run scared?"

"The way your looking in your sleep, the way your looking when you leap. The strange Illusions that you keep. You don't know that I'm noticing."

"There's this part of Judaism that I like. Tikun Olam. It said that the world is broken into pieces and everyone has to find them and put them back together."
"Maybe we don't have to find it. Maybe we are the pieces."

"However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside."

"Life is devine chaos. Embrace it.

Forgive yourself. Breathe.

And enjoy the ride..."

please don't sue me! I own none of this. :)

i'm twisted cause one side of me is tellin me that i need to move on, on the other side i, wanna break down and cry.

the bin in my room just fell. i looked inside. the stupid pringles tin he left in my room less than two weeks ago.

jesus, is that all it's been? 12 days?
feels like forever.
i've preoccupied myself with people, with schoolwork, anything that doesn't involve being alone with my thoughts.

and what sparks me off in the end? a crisps packet. how stupid.

so now i'm thinking. just wanting to call and hear his voice.

i can't. my instinct tells me there's been a shift in his head, he's moved on?

pearly. pearly!

went and got the last of my prom stuff today, so i'm all set. :) got some pearls and hair dye etc, whoopah.

last night was nice too! me and roisin had a girly night. we watched nick and norah's infinite playlist (thanks daniel!) and true blood. we wrote out lists of how many guys we've kissed (and stuff) and had a girly chat, it was awesome. my number was far more than i thought.. too shameful to put on here :/ hahahahaha, if you wanna know though, you know where to find me.

off tomorrow too, yay! :)

oh dear, could you imagine? how disgraceful.

i've turned into one of those cunts i always hated.
who get their heart broken and are dicks to everybody who steps into their life after.
...i've turned into my ex.
hahahahaha .... FUCK.

Therapy Session #4-for....everybody.

this is for every time you lay in bed thinking about me.
for everytime you spread shit about me.
for everytime you lied to me, sorry you still have a girlfriend? oh.
..everytime you played pretend to my face, then stole every word from me.
this is for every kiss and every hug, making me more attached.
for every sick bastard who tries to use me, i'm not an idiot anymore.
for my own dickheadness, my own impurity.
for every stupid thought about what you're doing, who you're with. my jealousy rages on.

"and it was like you dropped in from space and i was like ...cool"

that's what Cute Boy said to me just before i left today.

he also told me how much he liked me. and it was super wierding me out.

not that i don't think he's a nice guy, he's lovely. but i don't want anything at all. NOT NOW.

he seems new to everything. i don't know. i don't really wanna know.

ohwell. prom next week. should be good, whoopah.

and even though i'm very happy, i think imma do another Therapy Session. they seem to be helping.

Oh, so pretty!

i got my formal dress finally. it's so gorgeous. oooeeee :) it's like 50's-looking with lots of pretty pink underskirts then the top bit is black lace. i'm gonna wear it with my pearls and white docs i think :) I'M SO EXCITED.

Cute Boy asked me to hang out after school tomorrow. he wants to show me all the original art in the chinese his family owns before it's renovated :( we're both sad about this.

i like that i've made a new friend NOW, after being in school a year and a bit. cool.

ps. hi baste.

Therapy Session #3-my eyes are open up with pure sunlight

Why was i such a crazy bitch?
really?
looking back now, i was.
being crazy and dramatic about everything, things i'd never get angry at with anyone else.
it's because i cared far too much...

i can't work out whether i'm happy or sad.

i know i say this kind of thing alot. like "this made me really happy!" or "i feel sad" but it sort of makes everything real for me.

this time i dont know. me and cute boy just went to get his tux and it felt new and awesome. then i had like an hour to kill so we went round to his house and chilled. but he got really quiet or something. and i talked to his mom and stuff. it was normal.

i feel like he might just be another "empty vessel to project my desires upon"

i don't know. i'm kind of scared.

Therapy Session #2-second hand rag doll

have i reached the top already?
i'm second hand.
out of love.
damaged goods.

i will never be pure again.

here's your christmas present asshole.

so today i watched the movies that shaped my childhood, Stand by me and Back to the future, while writing a "to get" christmas list. after a while i realised that the list of gift receivers this year is totally different than last year.

it got me thinking about how quickly things can change. and how lovely or horrible it can be when they do. am i happy about who is in my life this year? yes. am i annoyed that people have vanished from it? not really. in this life we choose who we love... choose wisely.

heart to hearts are my favourite :)

today was nice. went shopping with Sexylovergirl and we got "BF" necklaces like when we were kids <3 then my mates drove to my house unexpectedly and dragged me out iceskating, resulting in owwie-ness.

just now me and my brother had a heart to heart that lasted two hours. mostly about what will happen to the christmas family tradition now me and / fell out. he really understands. him and one of my best friends, The Dude. they didn't say "you'll make up" like other people. partly why i love them so much.

Therapy Session #1-talk is cheap.

why say things "just because"?
say things you don't mean...
it's not acceptable,
infact it's disgusting and deceiving,

..and it makes me angry just thinking about how sick it makes me.

prom, prom. prom!

Cute boy finally asked me.
Pretty sweet eh.

I wrote so much last month. it's because my diary is full.

and i don't like buying diaries for myself. i think that's the joy of presents. getting something you wouldn't get yourself. therefore: christmas list.

beauty and the beast diamond edition
the little mermaid
the fox and the hound
limited edition beauty and the beast pin
not now, bernard by David McKee (my favourite book as a child)
and maybe another disney mug.
and probably a diary so i don't have to write all this crap down here!

i hope some of you do christmas lists, i'd love to see them :)