I'll be honest...

The thought of you sleeping with someone else makes me feel really icky and unhappy.

i'm all over the place.

(8) so i breathe deep, so i can't sleep, but my eyes weep, as my soul creeps. i'm so sorry. (8)

everything is so mixed up.
and there is no one to fix it.

In the car I just can't wait..

so i had a sort of date today. wierd, i know... i met this guy on saturday night and like we got on so well and were texting, and then he decided he would come pick me up after work today and chill.

so we went to this park and he brought his guitar and stuff (he's in a band blehbleh) and he sang songs and stuff :/

golly. like he's hot and stuff but it was unusual.

if i had met him when i was 15 he would be like my dream guy but now.. not so much.

it's like i'm ready for this, but so unwilling.

Feel you. Always.

Well ...
This is sort of a dedication.

I'm trying to not be gay about this.

Because it would be very easy, and very like me, to be all lovey about this.

But what I want is to be the way I am in my head.

I want to get this out. And not be a dick.

So this is it. Here are the things that I think of when I think of you.

kisses.rain.snow.love.ring.hair.lips.blueeyes.legswrappedaroundyourwaist.voices.music.bracelet.ring.

hoodie.sweat.hard.fast.slow.lips.everywhere.tasting.licking.biting.hugging.cuddling.movies.yourtshirt.

thecolourblue.feelingyoueverywhere.love.sex.cuddles.kisses.kisses.kisses.thebridge.shootingstars.bigcoat.

The first time I met you, and I hardly talked to you, yet I felt there was something about you that made me want to see you again.

The first time I kissed you, and how different you were.

That time when we were at the bridge and we still hadn't really done anything, and you told me your coat was big so that it could fit two people. I pulled your hood over your eyes and there was a moment that you looked at me and I knew that I felt something for you.

The first time. I'm glad it was with you.

When I stayed at your house for the first time and we stayed up all night watching movies and being awesome.

When I asked you if we should go out and you always kept me waiting. you waited until we were together and it was perfect until you said 'yes' and pulled me in for a kiss.

The times we slept together listening to coldplay and blink 182.

The times when we thought everything was lost and we'd still meet up. we would use each other. I pretended I didn't still love you.

The times you would stay after. bare. together. feeling your heartbeat through my chest.

The note. and the beautiful ring.

When you told me you loved me. and I thought i'd heard you wrong.

At botanic that day. When we tried sorting things. and everything felt so good again.

Going to that forest. It felt like those words and the action were never going to be combined. and yet they were. and it was awesome.

At your party. being part of your life. writing on that little file pad thing about what we enjoyed about the party and we wrote gay things like "sex" and "love".

The next day in the shower. And after.. enough said.

The time you sang brown eyed girl to me when I was sad.

The night you brought over Princess and the Frog and we lay at the bottom of the bed for some reason, and when you were doing things I could see us in the mirror and it made me happy.

When you went away. And I was so worried about you, but you didn't ever want to talk about it. So instead we fought. Because if we didn't fight I would never even know what was going on in your life. and I wanted to be there for you.

When you showed up at my door. and I thought we were going to be fine again. Suppose I was wrong.

Everytime you have ever kissed me.

Everytime you have ever stroked my skin after, the curve of my waist, my arm, my legs.

Everytime we have been one.

Everytime we have ever said I love you.

This is what I will remember.

Heres to the future.

This is a lil cutie

bbq'n it out with le fam.

There is nothing more important in this world than family.

Last night was amazing.

Between my canadian cousin playing like every instrument he could get his hands on-exceptionally well, i must say-and my two uncles playing together, singing together. wow. my auntie was like asking them how the hell they aren't getting out there, when there are these other local bands that are nowhere near as good connor and paul are.

Very true.

So we had lovely food and had a heater going, amazing music, there was some tearful moments like, but it was just so good.

Then everyone faded one by one and me and my cousin and uncle sat up getting high and talking shit. and laughing at everything.

It just reminded me how awesome my family is, and how lucky i am.

It's really sad that people have families that aren't close... :/

Silence.

And so it is, once more.

A weary head, falling asleep.

Nights of the same.

Again and again.

This is what will become of me.

An empty bedroom, a clenched stomach.

My heart is grinding against my chest.

The door is locked, he hands me the key.

A little less cold.

My fingers release the grip.

...safe?

And so it goes, the first time.

A bag. A card. A note.

My heart relentlessly pounding.

My tongue involuntarily licks my lips.

bite.

My head is a buzz, laugh and laugh.

A voice in my head tries to tell me,

Warns me to be safe when I party.

But I can't listen anymore.

I can't hear.

My body is confused and feels broken.

I touch. I stroke. I shake my hair.

A head to my chest.

Listens to my disgusting heart.

yours.

I am free now, a pretty dress adorns me.

My bare hands a symbol of what is lost.

And yet a kiss still lingers on my lips.

Waiting to be shared.

never.

With all this madness...

I feel alive.

Yet pushing on without me,

I am so silent now.