Can we lie in bed all day and watch it get dark outside? :)

meow, yesterday was so fucking awesome. i smoked a joint with my boyfriend in the snow, and we lay in bed all day in the apartment his family doesn't use. we went shopping and i bought my mumsie some chanel :) then he brought me back to his restaurant and we had a wee beaut dinner with wine. it was SO LOVELY.

i can't believe i'm so happy, at the start i didn't want anything because i thought it was impossible to feel anything for a long time.

...and now i'm falling for him.

it's amazing.. :)

Date me. Or don't, whatever.

So prom was last night.

I have pictures but I haven't got my camera.

The night was so tainted.

I actually hated parts of it.

One of my best friends got SO PISSED at me.

It was horrible.

He's never gotten angry at me before.

Then I got angry that he was angry.

See I hadn't seen Hot Guy in ages, he used to be a really close mate. actually we "went out" in p4, hahaha adorable. anyway, he offered me a joint in his hotel room and I asked My Mate if that was cool and he said yes.

Then Tall Girl went and got her boyfriend who was with My Mate and they came up then left again. Rocker Afro Guy was there too, and me and him used to hang in first year. It was really cool to see him again, and we shared a joint out the window and he kissed me and stuff, then I told him I had to go and he was like "i've wanted to do this since first year" and I was like "mannnn we're not doing anything, I have to go" so we left and I saw My Mate walking away. So I went to talk to him and he totally blanked me. And I didn't understand. Then Tall Girl said he was pissed off because he said he'd heard "groans" from the room (groans?!?) I seriously did not get it and I tried to explain (even though I felt it was nobodys business even if I had done something) and he said he "didn't know what was going on" and that he heard me with "william" and I was like WHAT. like who the hell is william?

So he had it in his head i'd fucked some random guy in a hotel room.

So much for knowing me.

Then he was saying this to people.

I just felt like absolute shit. I talked to him as much as possible because I didn't want to ruin his night but I can tell he didn't believe me.

It really hurt that he would jump to conclusions and then not even open his mind to the possiblity he didn't hear what he thought he heard. even this morning he said about a mark on my neck. and I was like... "yeah that was already there from The Ex's last night" and he was like "I didn't see it" Then he told me that's why he was annoyed too, because he thought I was cheating too.

Eugh.

I think he's dealing with some other shit right now so i'm trying to let the whole thing slide but the fact that I know he's thinking something untrue about me is really fucking annoying.

I'm glad I had Sexylovergirl with me or I don't know what I would have done.

Well anyway, both my childhood crushes kissed me, so, success.

You. Are. A. Fucking. Whore.

Silence.

And so it is, once more.

A weary head, falling asleep.

Nights of the same.

Again and again.

This is what will become of me.

An empty bedroom, a clenched stomach.

My heart is grinding against my chest.

The door is locked, he hands me the key.

A little less cold.

My fingers release the grip.

...safe?

And so it goes, the first time.

A bag. A card. A note.

My heart relentlessly pounding.

My tongue involuntarily licks my lips.

bite.

My head is a buzz, laugh and laugh.

A voice in my head tries to tell me,

Warns me to be safe when I party.

But I can't listen anymore.

I can't hear.

My body is confused and feels broken.

I touch. I stroke. I shake my hair.

A head to my chest.

Listens to my disgusting heart.

yours.

I am free now, a pretty dress adorns me.

My bare hands a symbol of what is lost.

And yet a kiss still lingers on my lips.

Waiting to be shared.

never.

With all this madness...

I feel alive.

Yet pushing on without me,

I am so silent now.