He's not talking to me now.
Because my mate told me that he didn't know im meeting that other guy still.
So I was all "why's it his business what I do?"
And she was like "he really likes you darri. You're messing with peoples emotions"
"So what do you propose I do?"
"Text him and tell him, and if he's cool with that then whatever but at least he'll know"
So I did. He so wasn't cool with it. He said I should have told him at the start, that he would have never went with me if he knew I was "getting back with him"
I told him like ten times we're not fully going out and i'm not committed to anyone. He's not happy. He stopped texting me altogether because my mate told him to "just leave it" because she thinks i'll never change.
I can understand that though, she doesn't want her friend getting hurt, and she thinks i'm using him. I'm not, I think he's one of the better ones. But he's still a virtual stranger. I can't like someone that quickly, and she expects me to. And he likes me far more than I like him...But if he did would he give up on me this easily?
Think not.
Its really bugging me. To have him text me every minute of every day to...nothing.
It sort of sucks. He's one of the better ones. But I have to really like someone before I go out with them..He hasn't ticked all the boxes (yet) So how am I supposed to know?
I don't like rushing into things.
I like when people are respectful towards me. It's what i'm used to, and deserve.
I hate this. I miss talking to him.
I wish he would give me another chance, I told him I was sorry.
Friday 30 January 2009
Thursday 29 January 2009
Fuck you
Fuck you for not texting me now.
Fuck you for not accepting the truth. It's not his fault, It's mine.
Fuck you for abandoning me. I don't even need you anymore.
Fuck you for telling me you loved me and not meaning it. Yeah go back to your girfriend now.
Fuck you for lieing. I can't believe you said it all for one thing.
Fuck you for sleeping with her. Does she know about me then?
Fuck you for making me cry. again.
Fuck you and your sick relationship.
Fuck this responsibilty, I don't want it anymore.
Fuck morals, mine are gone.
Fuck stupid love songs. My eyes are sore now.
Fuck your wife. She's a dick.
Fuck this work. I can't concentrate anymore.
Fuck my phone. My obsession.
Fuck this blogger. I talk too much.
Fuck you for saying all that stuff. I didn't mean to hurt you.
Fuck whores who screw all this shit up for me.
Fuck bitches who stir and spit. Your words mean nothing now.
Fuck vulnerability. No one sees it anyway.
Fuck you for letting me down again. I thought you were my friend.
Fuck you for calling me easy. I hate double standards.
Fuck self-worth. It doesn't mean anything clearly.
Fuck you, getting all offended and shit. Grow up dickface.
Fuck anyone who doesn't like me writing about them.
Fuck you for not accepting the truth. It's not his fault, It's mine.
Fuck you for abandoning me. I don't even need you anymore.
Fuck you for telling me you loved me and not meaning it. Yeah go back to your girfriend now.
Fuck you for lieing. I can't believe you said it all for one thing.
Fuck you for sleeping with her. Does she know about me then?
Fuck you for making me cry. again.
Fuck you and your sick relationship.
Fuck this responsibilty, I don't want it anymore.
Fuck morals, mine are gone.
Fuck stupid love songs. My eyes are sore now.
Fuck your wife. She's a dick.
Fuck this work. I can't concentrate anymore.
Fuck my phone. My obsession.
Fuck this blogger. I talk too much.
Fuck you for saying all that stuff. I didn't mean to hurt you.
Fuck whores who screw all this shit up for me.
Fuck bitches who stir and spit. Your words mean nothing now.
Fuck vulnerability. No one sees it anyway.
Fuck you for letting me down again. I thought you were my friend.
Fuck you for calling me easy. I hate double standards.
Fuck self-worth. It doesn't mean anything clearly.
Fuck you, getting all offended and shit. Grow up dickface.
Fuck anyone who doesn't like me writing about them.
Monday 26 January 2009
Sex..uality ((Brand New Jones))
(8) So why don't I just save time and reveal now, Cuz sooner or later she'll know the deal.
She'll wonder why the bed jumps so high, when she sleeps at night.
Oh yeah yeah (8)
Ok so friday night, that kiss with C. It was going to come sooner or later, she's a cool girl. Now Mammoth is texting me. He said he's gonna take the piss out of her. So I told him not to, she's just an innocent and it was probably her first kiss with a chick. He asked me if it was mine. I told him it was more like my 8th lmao.. He was asking me who else i'd kissed and it occurred to me that not everybody does this..and he called me a lesbian, he was messing clearly like but I had to tell him i'm not even bisexual.
I would classify myself as "Straight..with a twist"
I wouldn't go as far with a girl as I would with a guy (probably, as the opportunity has only arose with two people, but that was quite a while ago), but the thing is.. I find beautiful things in both sexes. It doesn't mean I fancy girls (bar one), but it's just I can appreciate when someone is special (no matter what gender).
My mates (and I mean mates. people I like and respect, not just some bitches I run about with who don't deserve to be called friends >.> sick of you people) all have gorgeous qualities. Alanna, she's so fucking funny. She has the most amazing figure, she could be a model. She's so pretty too, I wish she'd realise that. There's Amy, she talks about stuff like she doesn't care. But you know she's got your back if anything were to come up. She's actually so thoughtful sometimes, and she sees things other people miss. I don't think anyone appreciates this about her. They can't see past her looks (she's a stunner xD). There's Aisling. Shes so unselfish. I love how indignant she gets about the smallest things. And it makes me smile when she laughs, she's got a beautiful laugh. Natalie, she's so considerate of other peoples feelings. She really tries to see your point of view on stuff and she listens when you need to open up. Ashleigh, she's a born romantic. She's so cute the way she gets, and the way she's so passionate about music.
This does not mean I fancy any of my friends, hell no. I only like one girl. I've only known her like a year or something. I truely love her. She's just so perfect in so many different ways. When she gives me a kiss or if i'm holding her, she feels like the most beautiful and most pure thing on this earth. She's so nice and just so god damn genuine. And she's always looking out for her friends and everything, and she'll be there if you need her.
I think everyone should have someone who thinks the sun shines out their ass.
P.s It was good to see you too... zombie lover ;)
She'll wonder why the bed jumps so high, when she sleeps at night.
Oh yeah yeah (8)
Ok so friday night, that kiss with C. It was going to come sooner or later, she's a cool girl. Now Mammoth is texting me. He said he's gonna take the piss out of her. So I told him not to, she's just an innocent and it was probably her first kiss with a chick. He asked me if it was mine. I told him it was more like my 8th lmao.. He was asking me who else i'd kissed and it occurred to me that not everybody does this..and he called me a lesbian, he was messing clearly like but I had to tell him i'm not even bisexual.
I would classify myself as "Straight..with a twist"
I wouldn't go as far with a girl as I would with a guy (probably, as the opportunity has only arose with two people, but that was quite a while ago), but the thing is.. I find beautiful things in both sexes. It doesn't mean I fancy girls (bar one), but it's just I can appreciate when someone is special (no matter what gender).
My mates (and I mean mates. people I like and respect, not just some bitches I run about with who don't deserve to be called friends >.> sick of you people) all have gorgeous qualities. Alanna, she's so fucking funny. She has the most amazing figure, she could be a model. She's so pretty too, I wish she'd realise that. There's Amy, she talks about stuff like she doesn't care. But you know she's got your back if anything were to come up. She's actually so thoughtful sometimes, and she sees things other people miss. I don't think anyone appreciates this about her. They can't see past her looks (she's a stunner xD). There's Aisling. Shes so unselfish. I love how indignant she gets about the smallest things. And it makes me smile when she laughs, she's got a beautiful laugh. Natalie, she's so considerate of other peoples feelings. She really tries to see your point of view on stuff and she listens when you need to open up. Ashleigh, she's a born romantic. She's so cute the way she gets, and the way she's so passionate about music.
This does not mean I fancy any of my friends, hell no. I only like one girl. I've only known her like a year or something. I truely love her. She's just so perfect in so many different ways. When she gives me a kiss or if i'm holding her, she feels like the most beautiful and most pure thing on this earth. She's so nice and just so god damn genuine. And she's always looking out for her friends and everything, and she'll be there if you need her.
I think everyone should have someone who thinks the sun shines out their ass.
P.s It was good to see you too... zombie lover ;)
Sunday 25 January 2009
Mokingbird <3
I'm gonna start writing in this again. I stopped for a while, because I would have to like write everything up to this point. Things that have annoyed me or upset me, but fuck that i'm gonna concentrate on one thing right now. Spurred on by 'mokingbird' (Eminem) one of the only songs that makes me cry. ('Breakaway' being another-Kelly Clarkson and 'Flightless Bird'-Iron And Wine)..
When I hear mokingbird, I remember the first time it played on my ipod. James had stuck loads of music on it when I left it in his house. We were driving past the cemetary in belfast sometime last year. I cried in the backseat from the cemetary to my street. Roughly 20 miles. I pulled up my hood so my family couldn't see me (it's not hard to quietly sob in a car that was, at the time, blasting carlos santana) and thought about why this song had brought on such emotion.
((am I lieing? I can't even tell anymore))
Clearly part of it was the cemetary, where one of my best mates from school is buried. But mostly it was a man. He's supposed to be a man anyway.
This "man" expects me to be nice to him. He expects me to be happy for him. He fucks off for years at a time, calling me every once in a while just so that he doesn't have to feel guilty for being "neglectful" or whatever. And when he calls he doesn't even have the decency to listen. He hears, yes, and when he finds something that sparks his interest, he talks to me about it (this is never anything about me-god forbid-but more music, films or-kill me now-weather) and you know what, i'd rather he wouldn't fucking ring me to do this. If he just left me the fuck alone, not calling at all, at least I wouldn't be reminded that he doesn't care. Because that's all the phone calls do.
((none of this is my fault))
When i'm with him (which is very rarely, every three or four years for like 2 months), he doesn't even have the decency to put me first. It's her who's side he takes. And the funny thing is, she doesn't even appreciate it. I've never met someone so insecure, so petty, so jealous.
((can I believe this to be true?))
True, I may be prettier than you. I may be thinner than you. I may be gradually growing smarter than you, and I may be more upfront and less bitchy than you, but that's not a basis to hate someone. Get over yourself.
I'm not arrogant, although this is how it sounds. You have made me like this. At first I thought it was my fault. And then I realised how you work. I have no reason to feel guilty. Because I can honestly say that I had nothing against you. Before you got green eyes.
((why do they tell me he cares? I don't like being lied to))
So I don't understand why he thinks im still some kind of his responsibility. Clearly i've done without him this long and look at me. I'm fine. And yet he thinks he need to get involved in something that quite frankly has nothing to do with him.
He is not my friend.
He is not my family.
He is a person who I know.
And to be perfectly honest, I can't even say I know him.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2fX7xSweoAU
When I hear mokingbird, I remember the first time it played on my ipod. James had stuck loads of music on it when I left it in his house. We were driving past the cemetary in belfast sometime last year. I cried in the backseat from the cemetary to my street. Roughly 20 miles. I pulled up my hood so my family couldn't see me (it's not hard to quietly sob in a car that was, at the time, blasting carlos santana) and thought about why this song had brought on such emotion.
((am I lieing? I can't even tell anymore))
Clearly part of it was the cemetary, where one of my best mates from school is buried. But mostly it was a man. He's supposed to be a man anyway.
This "man" expects me to be nice to him. He expects me to be happy for him. He fucks off for years at a time, calling me every once in a while just so that he doesn't have to feel guilty for being "neglectful" or whatever. And when he calls he doesn't even have the decency to listen. He hears, yes, and when he finds something that sparks his interest, he talks to me about it (this is never anything about me-god forbid-but more music, films or-kill me now-weather) and you know what, i'd rather he wouldn't fucking ring me to do this. If he just left me the fuck alone, not calling at all, at least I wouldn't be reminded that he doesn't care. Because that's all the phone calls do.
((none of this is my fault))
When i'm with him (which is very rarely, every three or four years for like 2 months), he doesn't even have the decency to put me first. It's her who's side he takes. And the funny thing is, she doesn't even appreciate it. I've never met someone so insecure, so petty, so jealous.
((can I believe this to be true?))
True, I may be prettier than you. I may be thinner than you. I may be gradually growing smarter than you, and I may be more upfront and less bitchy than you, but that's not a basis to hate someone. Get over yourself.
I'm not arrogant, although this is how it sounds. You have made me like this. At first I thought it was my fault. And then I realised how you work. I have no reason to feel guilty. Because I can honestly say that I had nothing against you. Before you got green eyes.
((why do they tell me he cares? I don't like being lied to))
So I don't understand why he thinks im still some kind of his responsibility. Clearly i've done without him this long and look at me. I'm fine. And yet he thinks he need to get involved in something that quite frankly has nothing to do with him.
He is not my friend.
He is not my family.
He is a person who I know.
And to be perfectly honest, I can't even say I know him.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2fX7xSweoAU
Saturday 24 January 2009
Truth Be Told, I Miss You. Truth Be Told IM LIEING
I'm happy today
Do you want to be alone?
Slightly hungover. Had an immense night last night. Went to the ramble inn with my mates, it was pretty cracker. We weren't even sure if we were gonna get in, but we rolled in with the DJ so it was sweet. What happened?...Of what i can remember it went like this...
Do you want to be alone?
Slightly hungover. Had an immense night last night. Went to the ramble inn with my mates, it was pretty cracker. We weren't even sure if we were gonna get in, but we rolled in with the DJ so it was sweet. What happened?...Of what i can remember it went like this...
Dance, Dance, Dance, Shots of choc pops, Dance, Shouting, Drink spilt, Picture time, OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE, Hugs, Dance, "I'll end up meeting you by the end of the night" Drink, "I'm stealing your girlfriend", Dance, More drink, "I wanna meet you, dude can i kiss your girlfriend?", Kiss, "I'm so turned on right now", Leaves them to it, Dance, Purse, No money, Dance anyway, "Oi, oi, oi fucking oi", Sean he's wearing an earring "Amy's not happy you pierced your ear", "You going out for a smoke? I'll come with", "You can't smoke out here!", Meets seans friends "You look like shona dowd!", Thinks 'who the hell is shona dowd?', Dance, Toilets, Ashleigh, Guy in bathroom, "Someone's getting lucky in there!", Pushes door open, Laugh, Laugh, Laugh, Ashleigh's not sober anymore, "Are you over him?", "No but I want to meet this other guy", Thinks of plan, Dance, Drink? No money, "I'll buy you a drink", Loves aisling right now, Amy freaking out about her money, "I came with 40 and I only have 12 pound left!", Amy's whiney-er when she's drunk!, Dance, Drink, Shout, "Do you want a drink?", Random Guy, Buys drink, Small Talk, Kiss on dancefloor, Finds friends, Drama, She told a girl she'd slept with her boyfriend, Freak out, Karen, "Finger me?", Why's she asking me that? She's not a lesbian!, Dance, Find guy ashleigh likes, Beckons, "Do you like her? Meet her!", They Kiss, Texts, Find Annmarie, Car outside, Home, Act normal, Ring him, Sing, Read from kurt cobains journal, Get undressed, Fall over, Pretend it didn't happen so he doesn't know you're an idiot, Tell him about blog, Regrets it once it sinks it the amount of shite i've said bout him, depression, Nice text, Happy, Stalker rings, Toss and turn, Throat dry, Water, Clock-4.30, SLEEP!
Karen, Me, Natalie, Me, Ashleigh (blockeddd), Amy, Sean, Amy, Me, Aisling, Amy.
My new favourite song is 'When I get you alone' I liked robin thicke when he brought out "Lost without you" but I just found out he used to have some character! wows. It's actually class like :D http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=B7K7orMOHqY&feature=channel_page
Mammoth just text me. Apparently the cinema was crap. Lee told my mate I was seeing him so now that's going around. As if I haven't got enough shit revolving round this relationship. The first night i met him, my mate was there, she told aisling, who told someone else, who told someone else, who told someone who I thought was my friend. Evidently not. She asked him "Why did you go with that whorebag?"
Whatever, I don't mind that. That's not personal, that's just her being a bitch for no reason. But I text her and asked her about it and she said..And this is quoted "I cn say wata wnt it jst sum1 lyk ryan shudnt go wi sum1 lyk u no ofense lyk bt e cn do btr"
Because saying 'no offense' clearly makes it ok. I never did anything to her. Some people are so hateful..
Until next time..
=D
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