Wednesday 30 September 2009

I wish everyone was happy.

I wish everyone could have shiny nice lives.
Shiny happy people.
I wish Ciara could have everything she deserves and more.









And i guess i wish he would show me he means everything he's said.

Monday 28 September 2009

My life atm.

Love..
Is awesome.
The notebook..
Was shit.
School..
Is getting better.
Drinking..
Never again.
Missing..
Roisin and Aine.
Waiting..
To see what happens.


Quotes of the week

"I feel sensational right now, great house, in love and more than anything I feel like I'm growing constantly as a person, and creatively :)"
-This legend dude on being legendary

"I didn't really get that they died. You can't just do that. I don't just see you lieing there and go 'Oh daryl, you dead over there? think i might join ya' "
- Ciara on the notebook in response to my annoyance.

Thursday 24 September 2009

What an unusual feeling.

(8) Our bodies sink in a pool of sweat
It's the kinda love that U never forget
With U honey, I'm the richest in the world
I don't need money cuz U're my girl
"I love U, I love U in me" (8)

So today wasn't that bad.
I'm trying to get this upper sixth guy to do his artwork, told him to change his project and all today and he's really grateful which is a nice change.
He's really nice. It's nice to have someone there like kinda looking out for me.

Me and GG were like together all day, cause that other dude seems to be in constant moods with me.
Whatever, i can't be assed with anymore men being melodramatic.

Becca was really quite the awesomeness today. We had a superfree and we had like snatch on in the 6th form centre and i was lieing on the sofas on beccas lap and she told me a bedtime story, and then she gave me upside-down eskimo kisses. It was funny as hell.

Quite loved that part of my day.

Hate that AM/PM registration thing... whatttt?

eugh just seen this stupid picture, it's really annoying me. everything's changed. i miss when his was an innocent face, now it's just stupid and arrogant and cold.

- ciara ' says:
yeahhh i knowww man

Falling slowly, sing your melody, i'll sing along. says:
i wanna stomp on his face
join me?

- ciara ' says:
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS PLEASE

Falling slowly, sing your melody, i'll sing along. says:
*stomp stomp*

- ciara ' says:
*stomp stomp STOMP STOMP STOMP*

Falling slowly, sing your melody, i'll sing along. says:
HAHAHA

- ciara ' says:
soz got a bit carried away

Falling slowly, sing your melody, i'll sing along. says:
angry ones at the end there

- ciara ' says:
yep they were hatefull like

Falling slowly, sing your melody, i'll sing along. says:
they were
pahaha

Wednesday 23 September 2009

Thats surreal. So real? the song? no, S-U-R.. oh..

(8) Yes, I know all about that other guy
The handsome man with athletic thighs
I know about all the times before
With that obsessive little rich boy
They might think you think you're happy
Yeah maybe for a minute or two..
They can't make you laugh !
No they can't make you feel the way that I do ! (8)

Last few days have been so surreal (:
The other day me and terry went and hung out with all these people who used to go to our old school, including curley haired dude (:
Which was ace, we talked about how we'd like ignored each other for like two years, and we ended up being alone and we finally got it together...
It was so crazy, it was just one of those things you never think is gonna happen and then for it just randomly happen is so strange..

Anyway then Terrys mate james came down and we sat at the front of like this bridge where I live and we were just sitting on the ground and this old dude stopped to talked to us. He had this white hair and he was this lil plump thing with a red face and a moustache and a friendly smile.
He was asking to hang out with us and i was like
"yeahh join our crew sure"
AND HE ACTUALLY DID.

hahahaaaa oh lordy. Sooo we had this really wierdd convo and like James kept nudging my leg cause he was scared. And i told the dude that my name was Enid since i thought he might stalk me or something. And he just randomly said
"i'm gonna tell ye something... listen... i'm an alcoholic *giggles* n i've bin drinkin whishkey fer hours now.. since 9 this marnin!"

Then Terry said it was time to go and we all shook his hand and james was like
"his hand is so warm!!"
and looked really scared and stuff...it was funny.
Then we went to James' and his house is actually amazing!

Oh and i saw that guy from tv with the flicky hair.. Laurence Llewellyn Bowan in Randalstown today. Like it was Eddie Izzard the other month, what's going on here?

Anyway i'm headingg to Annmaries for a movie night.
Bye all xD

Friday 18 September 2009

Make this go on forever.

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could
We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes
The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love..


I hate everyone right now.
The only people i can trust are one's i've known for like ten years.
What the fuck does that say about me.
That everyone screws me over in the end.

Fuck all you fakes.
I don't care about being nice to you anymore.
Actually, i won't.
I hope you hate me back.
And then i won't have to pretend.

And if i could be who you wanted, all the time.

I wouldn't.
Because i am myself.
I have shitty days.
And i have awesome days.
Like everyone else.
I fight with people, and i'm nice to people.
After more than a year.. you would think you'd be able to be comfortable enough with someone, to be able to speak about how you're feeling.
Tell them you're upset.
Or tell them you're happy.
But apparently you're not.

Because you can be completely comfortable with someone, include them in everything. Your thoughts, your life, you can be totally absent of everything, leave it at the door, and be yourself in a way you've never been before.

And yet, when it comes to expressing your emotions in the purest (but maybe harsh-est ..is that a word?) way, suddenly you're not the same person that has been there for this long..

I try to tell people everything i feel, i string it into a random amount of questions. I cover every. single. stupid. thought.

But you know.. that's how i fucking roll. I'm proud to say i don't hold back, and i'm proud to say that if you don't like it, i don't really care.

Because there is always someone else who can appreciate you for who you are, not a perfect perception of what you should be, that someone has just made up in their head. No-one is perfect. NO-ONE.

I'm glad that i can see the good in people. And that i don't throw things away at the drop of a hat.

Fuck it, i'm done.
I feel like the last year and whatever months has been a complete waste of my time.
I got experience.
I got lies.
I got shitty feelings.
In the end i got myself into a hole, that i'm now going to have to get myself out of.
I'm trying not to blame myself entirely, even though that seems to be how it's perceived.
IDK. And i don't give a shit anymore.
I'm so glad i have another reason to hate everyone. And everyone's stupid ideas of what perfection should be.

Fake plastic trees is such an awesome song right now, loving it.




Thursday 17 September 2009

To Gay or not to Gay?

(8) And it wears him out, it wears him out. It wears him out, it wears . . .
She looks like the real thing.. She tastes like the real thing..
My fake plastic love. (8)

Ok so here's the thing.
I do not have a gaydar.
And I want one.

I've became friends with this really nice dude from school, GG.. like he kept smiling and trying to talk to me since the first day and like he's awesome and all. But for some reason my other mate from school really, really doesn't like him. And he won't tell me why.. and like GG asked me to go out somewhere on saturday like.. He was all "we could just go, me and you if you wanted" and now i'm SO CONFUSED. Because everyone seems to think GG's gay, even though when i asked him he said he goes both ways... like i don't know what the craic is. Gonna bring him to Botanic i think cause he said it's like up to me.. and he's never seen it before etc..

Is this guy gay or not! Gosh.

Then you've got matthew who's like the nicest guy ever, we were on the bus today and like you can just have comfortable silences with the dude and everything it's crazy.

Anyywayyyy we put pictures of half naked men in his locker today (DAY ONE) and we're gonna put one in there like every day and maybe the odd letter. Like he might think it's the 3rd year stalkers... paha :) Me and Becca were walking behind them today and we just had to be like "omg matthew is so hot, remember that time he was on my bed? omg he's just the hottest guy in our school" etc... Jealoussssss muchhhhhh ....

Worried about ciara.
Want everything to work out for her.
Don't want her to want to run away.
I'd rather she be happy where she is.
But i'd soooo run away with her.
I feel like running away now.
Leaving everything, living in a cave or something.
That would suit my life.
I don't want this computer, I don't want my phone.
I don't wanna walk down a street and see him.
And i don't want my friend to text me and tell he he's seen him.
......................................................death!

Guy from saturday stalked me out on bebo btw!! HOW THE HELL DID HE FIND ME. He asked for my number. debating whether he's any use to me. maybe for boredom. whatever.




(8) And if I could be who you wanted.. If I could be who you wanted..
All the time..................all the time.........(8)

Monday 14 September 2009

Not gonna name this post.. oh shit.. i just did. ohwee.









-omg ciara, M wrote about me on facebook.
-omg what'd it say?
-he wrote a david gray lyric then ........
-omg.
-I know =/ i'm so confused.
-im in shock!
-me too. literally gasped and burst into tears. I don't know what it means exactly. I can't believe he said i'm the only 1 he's let in, what about J? and at the end.. like is he saying he realises i'm not the person he thought i was?
-or that he wasn't what he was pretending to be maybe?
-is that a good thing..
-I dunno? :/ u should phone him. damn you don't have free calls.
-fuck o2. Maybe he WAS on about J. how bad would that be. haha. fml.
-No i don't think it was.

Sunday 13 September 2009

Maddens Yeaaahaa

(8) In the misty morning fog..Oh baby and our hearts a thumpin
And you..My brown eyed girl.. You, my brown eyed girl
I hear a song makes me think of a girl I used to know
Hey, hey, hey.. I sing along when I hear it on the radio now (8)

Went to maddens last night with Amy.
It was so crazy.
First of all, the taxi wouldn't come so we didn't end up going out until like half 10..

I really liked last night for two reasons.
1. I missed amy like so much, and both of us are having shit times at school so we got to be ourselves.
2. My ego has taken a few serious hits over the past week. I find myself doing things i would have never ever have done before..and i can't believe that i have let someone bring me to this level.

So it was good to be out, good to get attention. We ended up talking to this guy called Matthew but we changed his name to George. So he was dead on and stuff, but he started saying shit like he liked me and shit and i was like.. man you don't know me! sheesh. So then i was talking to this dude my mate used to text and i was like AHH YOU KNOW MY FRIEND and he grabbed me back when i was walking through the dancefloor and like we started dancing and he was really funny.. THEN george went over to him and screamed in his ear, then dragged me off and told me i should go home and i was like why is he getting possessive about someone he doesn't know? what the hell? then i told him it was my mates ex and he was like 'promise?' in this totally pussy way gawdd so we kissed anyway then we all got kicked out cause of closing time and the guy who i was dancing with kissed me outside. Gawd going to tescos is gonna be wayyyy awkward now.

Another dude got me a drink aswell and we went to the kebab shop after and danced in it. LEGENDDDD..

So amy was really funny and she needed to pee so when we got to her house she chucked everything out of her bag to find her keys then ran inside, so i was putting everything back and found this like black plastic thing and was like wtf? so neither of us knows what it is, please if you know what it is...like...tell me :)


We have a theory its an ashtray from the taxi perhaps?

Anyway... It was a good night and stuff. I just liked the confidence boost it gave me... hmm.. recently i feel like every single day, a bit more of me is dissolving away.. until soon i won't even remember having those feelings. And it sucks, but i think this might be the best thing for me.

I hope it is.

Thursday 10 September 2009

You can't be missed, if you never go away.

(8) Are you dying to believe.. I can't go on without you?
It's the end of a broken heart.. I went on without you
I was lost from the start.. I did what I had to
All we are is too fast for love...
(8)

Things are hard at the minute i'll admit.
I'm feeling really apart from everyone.
Like i'm not communicating with people and constantly off in my own world.
I can't stop thinking about everything.

On a plus, schools getting far better. Like the kids i hang out with are little legends.

AND CIARA GAVE ME MY BELLE NECKLACE BACK

lordy, happiness..

i've got cravings for so many things right now..
welcome, new follower becca :)

Tuesday 8 September 2009

School isn't so suicidal as first presumed.

(8) No one laughs at God
When their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken (8)

Bit of a boringgg day today, we did like media all day basically.. although they played some kill bill and analysed everything about the scene in the church which was quite cool... then free periods and art, but we didn't do any english in english hahaha, teacher wasn't there for all of it. But fun times with matthew in english :) (new friend new friend!) kept teasing him about this girl who quite clearly likes him hahaha.. he doesn't seem to be bothered by the girls who like him which is awesome :)

Everyones being a little nicer, which makes me happy :) :)

Went down to the bus stop after school at like 20 to freaking 5 to wait for ciara but TRANSLINK ARE BITCHES. and she didn't arrive until like 20 past. ahh. but this granny was really nice to her at the station. and that made her happy, so i'm happy. Then we made toasties and stuff and it was well good to see her again :) was like a total reunion rather than a divorce. I was really awesome to have some normality and structure to my whole lifeness... :)

Quote of the day

"he was like a nerd. but not a cool nerd, he was a shoot-up-your-school nerd."
-ciara on mental pizza guy who stalked her ahh

Monday 7 September 2009

I'm in love with you, but the love is gone.

I'm in love with you but the love is gone.
It ain't over baby 'cause we still can bone.
I see that day you left me, for another dude,
And now your heart is empty, feeling so confused.
Now you want me back, trying reattach!
Begging "PLEASE" on your knees trying to suck me back!
I said you broke my heart, into a million pieces.
I can't love you but I can f*ck ya till you call me Jesus.

I had something I was going to write here?
I think..?

Whatever.
I'm so depressed that this is over.
I had a real thing for him.

But like you have to just deal with shit as it comes. Even if this happens like all the time.

I'll be alright.

Sunday 6 September 2009

Impatience..

FUCK

I can't stand waiting.

FML.

"It's only a few..lines..but i'm having anxiety about it"

(8) And we took up weapons, yeah
And we took off our clothes..
We took up weapons, yeah
We took off our
HEY, this is something i have to do for myself.
Yeah, this is something i have to do for myself.
I have to for myself.
I have to for my....self...yeahhh (8)

I'm so on edge right now.
I feel so powerless again.
I don't know if i should push for this, or if i should just leave him to it.
After all, if he wants it as much as i hope he does, he won't need me to push him.
I just don't want to think that everything that has been said was in vain.
That a kiss in the rain was in vain.
That everything i want right now... i will never have.

Quote of the day

"I was trying to delete my mom and it was trying to get me to walk the plank or something"
-Ciara on facebook pirate language

(I was going to put a link to my facebook right here but i really don't know enough about it..)

Tuesday 1 September 2009

One day til meltdown?

(8) Monday morning wake up knowing that you've got to go to school
Tell your mum what to expect, she says its right out of the blue
Do you went to work in debenhams, because thats what they expect
Start in lingerie, and doris is your supervisor
Soon you will know that you are sane..You're on top of the world again (8)

Tomorrow is going to be.. a) amazing, make me insanely happy if things go right. b) shit, nothing will be sorted. everything will have to end.

I hope he was serious when he said all that stuff.

I hope tomorrow will be better than today..

BECAUSE SCHOOL SUCKS ASS

bye.