Die Decisions

Fuckyyy school! antrim grammer doesn't do media studies

I'm going to have to find a WHOLE NEW SCHOOL to obsess over.

:(

Where am I gonna go now.....?

Someone make my decisions for me please.

If You Don't Love Me Someone Else Will

(8) Each step you take

Makes it easier to fall on your face

Each tear you fake

Makes it easier to see straight through you now

And you're so hateful sometimes

Throwing punches at lies

Fall from somewhere above

Just to say you're in love (8)

Good night last night. Went into belfast for a bit and met up with The Dude which was pretty surreal, but good xD

So yeah, missed my bus (fucking translink are bastards) and I ended up getting the quarter past 6 one.. to crumlin. Me and Natalie and Rachel all went down and met up with a bout a million wee lads it was unreal. We got some booze which was funny cause me and this guy went on a misson to get it and kept getting turned away until finally he got served.. after which 2 big bottles of smirnoff ice got smashed and one bottle of magners got smashed too..disaster. wdf? Everyone blamed the blonde guy-not fair :L

But yeah then we hung out in a church which was hilarious cause everyone was running around mental and it was just hilarious. Was some skaters and some PK'ers there too which was pretty cool.

This english guy Josh was the nicest person there, talked to him for ages. I know natalie likes him, so we were sorta talking bout that and I just basically let him know she liked him, and they ended up kissing and now they're going out. How fucking legendary. Although it was wierd because they were all really immature about it, everyone was running around being all "Natalie met josh! omg!" and forcing me to meet the guy who got the drink.

stfu.

So yeah made me realise why I generally don't like people my age :L

Lil Wayne is amazing.

(8) I'll make ya say Wee Oh, Wee Oh, Wee (8)

Lmao. Ben rang last night. Was good to talk to him again. Think he was a bit depressed. His GF's being a bitch. He deserves so much more than that tbhh..

Come On And Satisfy Me

(8) Babe for what I'm about to ask

Don't be ashamed.. I just love you girl

Babe as time will surely pass

Love shows its flame.. in my fuck you world

Look I just want to tape you..

All night (8)

Friday the 13th sucks. Wanted to get lenses put into my glasses but it's gonna cost me 50 quid or something because me "perscription didn't change" so I can't use the fucking NHS thing. WTF. Die.

Just dyed my hair. It looks like I haven't even done anything to it fuck sake :L dickhead dye.

I want new clothes. I wish i'd got that cardigan today =/ It was really nice =/

This is a shit blog, my life is incredibly boring.

I'm away to get a job.

Wanna Drink Baileys From A Shoe?

(8) Throw it away, Forget yesterday

We'll make the great escape

We won't hear a word they say

They don't know us anyway

Watch it burn, Let it die

Cause we are finally free tonight (8)

Wellllll I had a pretty cool day tbh =)

Aisling and Lanie are in London so it was just me and Amy. Strangely it was alot of fun =/ That's abit wierd. She came out with some funny shit. Actually today was a good day for people being funny.

Amy=

"I never know the words to songs, I feel so left out :("

"Then I'd eat a yoghurtnut.....a yoghurtnut? What the hell's a yoghurtnut"

"WHY DOES EVERYONE GO OUT WITH FARMERS?!"

"A-CAD-emic"
me="academic
"A-CAD-EMIC!"
me= "academic"
"Whatever" >.>

Marybeth=

(To me)
"I had SUCH an urge to slap your ass there"

Becca Biscuit=

"Do you wanna go to a club where people wee on eachother?"

Annmarie=

(On men)
me=What's your secret? Why do you always get men who buy you shit and treat you like a princess?
"Because daryl, I'm just a fucking cocktease"

God I love my friends.

I was in performing arts today and a group of us (8 and the teacher) were writing a script to fit my song into the showcase (well the teacher was, it's the shittest script i've ever seen. So bad. I'll be embarrassed to be part of it >.>) and when he was done he was all "and then daryl will sing" and looked at me expectantly and I was like

..."What? Now?!"
"Yeah it'll give you good practise"
"I'm a bit on the spot here"
"I know, but see how you handle it"

So I sang the first two verses of 'At Last'. I was quite happy with it actually, went really well. I like singing without music. It's so off-putting. But yeah, i'm more enthusiastic about the showcase now, although I can't really be fucked to be honest. It's an easy GCSE. I haven't done anything all year and he was telling me the other day how happy he is with my coursework. I was like "are you shitting me?" I think he's jus scared I'll quit and he'll have like no singers at all :L

Ben's been texting me all day. Most random thing ever. And B's comeing up on wednesday.... =/
I wonder how that'll go..... hmm

I wanna go to the cinema again :( Went last wednesday with my girls and it was fucking cracker. Went to see The Unborn. Freaky as fuck. Me and annmarie were hiding under my jacket and all of us were screaming every five minutes and roberto was on the patrol :L he makes me laugh :)

Meh i'm outties xD

I'll Never Be Good Enough For you.. Imperfect

(8) I'm sorry for the nights I let you down

Now all that's left to see is that I turned around

Back to the boy you fell in love with

Not this plague that brings you down

Remind your mom to call me, I still care

'Cause her approval meant the world

And I will not dare to disagree

With the life you arrange

Just remember only god knows if I change (8)

All I can say now is that i'm happy. Im happy that i've let this go. I'm happy that I can focus on something other than what I want. It's incredibly selfish anyway. Why do I keep pushing people away?

I've lost so much. That I can't get back.

I can only have hope for the future. But I know i'll do it again.

I'll break hearts because I didn't know. As a result i'll lose friends, because they wanted more than that. More than I could give them.

I'll lie to you. I'll go behind your back. I'll sneak around with someone because I didn't want the truth to come out.

Is it better now?

I'll get confused again.. He whispered "I Love you.. but i'm not in love with you. Not the same way I love her"

And i'll cry. I'll drag out a blade again. I'll leave marks that will never fade. I'll scream at my stupidity. I'll trace my scars and reminisce.

I thought I was happy.

I'll wonder how it got to this point.

He'll get suspicious again, he'll worry about me. He'll tell me he wants me to get better, he can't stand seeing me like this. Why does he care so much about me? I wish I knew. He's like my dad now. I'm going to miss him.

She'll tell me to ring up my best mate again. I don't like being reminded that we don't talk anymore. How can one person hold so many of my secrets. So much of my past. So much that no-one else knows. And how can I ignore her now?

I'll pour it down my throat, it will burn. We'll kiss and I'll remember that she's my best friend. We'll feel uncomfortable then laugh. She'll listen while I call him. I'll tell him again how he let me down. How i'm lost without him. Why am I so truthful when it hits my head? She'll tell me he's not worth it, I can do better. I won't believe her.

She'll spread rumours about me AGAIN and deny them. She knows that I can see through her. But she doesn't even apologise anymore. And we'll be friends. Why am I so gullible to people who pretend they care?

I'll make mistakes again. To get over the pain.
What does a touch do?

Makes me feel loved.

Makes me feel I have control.

Makes me feel that someone thinks about me, the way I think about him.

Makes me remember...

Whoa the first time. When we kissed outside her house. We left them for hours. Time stood still. And you cared. You remembered the necklace. You asked me what was wrong. Your hands wandered. I can't believe I didn't see. When you asked me if tonight was the night.

I'll apologize. Because I feel down on myself... I talk too much. Too much that's not important. Only to me.

From now on i'll stop.

I'm going to try and be happy from now on..

Death Gotta Be Easy, Cause Life Is Hard

(8) I was caught up in thinking if you would be the last

Ready set stop, take a breather

You wanna stop? me neither

Red light, yellow light, green light, go

Full speed ahead with nowhere to go

We're far too young, bold, beautiful, dignified, happy and keen

To the looks that you see in the magazines

I know that im far from perfect

All i need is one chance to show im worth it (8)

This whole week has felt like this....


Me and The Dude/The Boyfriend have went back to having a casual thing again. Why should I be tied down to someone who doesn't know what they want?

The whole thing is so trivial compared to everything else anyway.

I've walked around in a depression all week.

I might go back to counselling, things are crowding me again, overwhelming me with pressure. I'm so close to another phase. I can feel it creeping up on me. Like a big dirty spider. Like a dirty fighter.

Few days ago we were having our lunch in the art room. This DICKHEAD came in. Started slabbering to a mate, I didn't pay much attention cause that's all the fucker ever does. Next thing I hear a smack on the table. She's smashing my friends face into the table. She grabs her hair and starts punching her head. She can't do anything, she's fucking sitting down. She didn't even let her stand. The wanker leaves. My friend starts crying. I've never seen her cry. She's the strongest person I know, doesn't let anyone or anything sway her. She's like one of the only people I depend on now. I can't believe that within 5 minutes, this dirty fighter bitch has reduced my mate to hysterics...

But guess what...it's cool. We're getting that dick back. She's getting done for assult, i'm gonna be there as a witness. The other witnesses have pulled out. They're scared. Fuck them they didn't do anything at the time....Like me.

God I wish i'd done something...

The next day we talk to the principal, then our form teacher. I get a text from him. I ring him. I drag myself into the art storeroom so I don't yell infront of kids. I'm screaming down the phone. Shaking with.... anger?? Can't breathe. Cry my fucxxxking eyes out, he doesn't notice for ages. She comes in and hugs me, she offers to talk to him, I say no. She leaves for a second and I collapse on the floor. I love her..even though shes going through all that shit, she still has time to sort me out.. I hate that I can't control myself. I hate that this is happening again. It took so long to bring myself up last time, I don't want to go through this again, I won't be able to take it.

Great, tears again.

It's starting....

I Love Nickasaur