Happy to be Girl B.

you're feeling sad again.
and i can't do anything.
my arms can't embrace you.
it's hard.
hard with an ocean between us.

i wish i could erase the tone in your voice.
you sound so alone.
and my impatience is my biggest flaw.
i never want to grow impatient with you.
not with an ocean between us.

lets start again.
i want you as my friend.
lets begin a new year.
will you be my friend?

everything will be okay.
and it won't be too long.
so hold on.
until there's no ocean between us :)

Dear John...

you paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain.
you changed the rules everyday, wondering which version of you i might get on the phone. well i stopped picking up.
dear john, i see it all now that you're gone. don't you think i was too young to be messed with? the girl in the dress cried the whole way home.
maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame. or maybe it's you and your sick need to give love then take it away.
you're an expert at sorry. and keeping lines blurry.
you should've known.

Can we lie in bed all day and watch it get dark outside? :)

meow, yesterday was so fucking awesome. i smoked a joint with my boyfriend in the snow, and we lay in bed all day in the apartment his family doesn't use. we went shopping and i bought my mumsie some chanel :) then he brought me back to his restaurant and we had a wee beaut dinner with wine. it was SO LOVELY.

i can't believe i'm so happy, at the start i didn't want anything because i thought it was impossible to feel anything for a long time.

...and now i'm falling for him.

it's amazing.. :)

RAWR.

..And happiness comes in the form of my adorable chinese boyfriend.

pfft and there i was, wanting to be single forEVER.

but man, there is just something about this boy that is so different. i can't believe i've been seeing him for like two months, and i'm only realising it now. we already agreed not to see other people. but that was stupid.

a friend asked us if we were going out today when we were in smoking alley because we were having cuddly time.. and i was like, meh i guess we are. why should i be scared of the WORD "boyfriend".

But hmm, he makes me happy :)

Therapy Session #8-violent words and empty threats, aint it sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

i just read old emails, from someone i was in love with. it's like i was blind. i can't believe i didn't see it before, i constantly put SO MUCH into something that wasn't there. i realise what i was to him now.

i treated him like he was the only man in the world, like i was in debt to him because he loved me. i held on to him as if no other man would love me, touch me, or kiss me the same way. like he was the only man with a penis and a mouth. i'm sad we're not friends, but i'm glad i can finally see.

HELLO WORLD! i'm back! :)

you know... it's amazing what difference a day makes. like seriously.

i'm so happy today. life is good, and exciting.

i think i was wrong too.
it's funny how you don't realise how much you like someone until you see them and you get a surge of happy hormones!

it's also strangely liberating to know he will not be reading this.

mmm. kisses in classrooms and lovely notes left for me to find. people saying we're adorable when we're together. i think i like this more than i tend to let on...

French Lingerie.

New underwear.
Thrown out the old.
Hiding behind smiles,
My blood runs cold.

Kisses of many.
Hearts of none.
Free and pulled away,
From under my thumb.

Body is empty.
Though technically filled.
Doubts are repeated,
The Rebound is killed.

Mouth is dry.
Nothing is spoken.
To another i'll feel,
Until after we're broken.

Therapy Session #6-And you give yourself away.

i'm applying for glasgow. i want to get away from here, go somewhere to be taught properly. on my own.

it's like... do you ever feel like your life is missing something? or someone? ...i do. i can feel it in my stomach. it's out there, it or she or he. maybe it's myself, maybe i need to find my own way. to satisfy the yearning.

i just don't want to be alone. that's what's holding me here. i want familiarity, safety. but if the last 10 weeks have taught me anything? it's that i can survive without it.

"if only everything was as simple as a mans pride"

either be in my life.
or don't.
simple as.
you don't get to choose when. always, or never.
yes i'm talking to you.
father.

Mindfuck dreamage.

Last night I had this dream that I was in a house in the middle of nowhere.
i had a joining room with Cute Boy and he was still angry that i don't just want to see him (funny that) But my friend Banter Guy came in. I had sex with him, and this super naive virgin girl. he gave us flowers. So THEN i was with making out with a random guy, and realised i wanted Cute Boy. so it was like a movie, i ran to tell him i now wanted to be with him. i went to kiss him and he handed me the phone. it was my ex. MINDFUCK.

Snow covers up all emotional flaws.

GUESS WHAT? I was in a traffic jam today, and it started to snow. It was so beautiful! I've never driven in snow before.
My street was pretty too.


Sometimes I just wish that I could.. feel..that way again.

Therapy session #5-You're just a big fish in a small pond.

It's beaut when people think they have the ability to "change the world" or whatever when they're really just unimaginative, unoriginal melters.

I went to these awards last night, all these semi-famous (for belfast) people were there, and i was sitting with the mayor on one side and this old, controversial artist on the other side called Conrad and he was telling me to get away from here for art college.

I'm starting to agree. there's nothing here for me anymore.

I'm starting to fucking despise sex dreams.

Hey, i'm daryl and i like to think i'm "unconventional" because i wear doc's to prom.

...or maybe, if you noticed, they're just REALLY comfortable. plus i don't wanna be taller than my date. that's stupid.

ahh i'm really excited now though!!!
i just found out cute boy got me a corsage. how beaut is that! i told him not to and everything then he told me he got me one and was like "don't be silly i knew you wanted one" and it sounds PERFECT. black and pink flowers and pearls.

SERIOUSLY, PEARLS. I DIDN'T EVEN ASK HIM AND HE KNOWS WHAT I WANT.

i can't say i'm not totally impressed :)

Listen with your heart!

i want you to know something really important...

*leans in and starts whispering in your ear in that annoying but enjoyable way that tickles*

...you're amazing.
talented.
beautiful.
you might look in the mirror and see flaws. but embrace them.
love yourself.
dance naked!
wear clothes that make you feel kickass.
hug somebody, NOW!
don't put your happiness into someone elses hands, trust yourself.
treasure your mind, it's amazing. nobody thinks like you do.
do what makes you happy!

*smiles*

burn the rollerdisco down.

what i don't get about our generation, right, is that we don't care. we literally do not give a flying fuck about anything, just absolute bollocks like stupid uk reality shows and who banged who on the weekend.
i'm getting sick of this repetitive shit. i'm sick of no one being passionate anymore, sick of people bitching just because they're bored. i'm sick of leering bastards who just wanna screw, sick of people thinking they know what's right. we suck. we're all dirtbegs. fuck the system.

I want to curl up in bed and make the world go away.

i spent all day yesterday being an emotional wreck.
i tried to sort thing's out with people.
but i didn't have the guts to.
i picked up the phone.
i dialled the number.
i didn't ring.
instead i was really stupid and for a while my brain shut down.
oh well it's done now.

i want so much more than this.
there must be more.
eughh.
whatever.
i wish i had something inspiring to say.
but i'm not really looking forward to anything,
so i'm not passionate.

bye.

"Balance. Harmony. Beauty."

You said you loved me
and I kinda believed that
but these days
who knows what it means?

"Why is it that we all need to be loved, but then when somebody finally says, I love you, people just run scared?"

"The way your looking in your sleep, the way your looking when you leap. The strange Illusions that you keep. You don't know that I'm noticing."

"There's this part of Judaism that I like. Tikun Olam. It said that the world is broken into pieces and everyone has to find them and put them back together."
"Maybe we don't have to find it. Maybe we are the pieces."

"However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside."

"Life is devine chaos. Embrace it.

Forgive yourself. Breathe.

And enjoy the ride..."

please don't sue me! I own none of this. :)

i'm twisted cause one side of me is tellin me that i need to move on, on the other side i, wanna break down and cry.

the bin in my room just fell. i looked inside. the stupid pringles tin he left in my room less than two weeks ago.

jesus, is that all it's been? 12 days?
feels like forever.
i've preoccupied myself with people, with schoolwork, anything that doesn't involve being alone with my thoughts.

and what sparks me off in the end? a crisps packet. how stupid.

so now i'm thinking. just wanting to call and hear his voice.

i can't. my instinct tells me there's been a shift in his head, he's moved on?

pearly. pearly!

went and got the last of my prom stuff today, so i'm all set. :) got some pearls and hair dye etc, whoopah.

last night was nice too! me and roisin had a girly night. we watched nick and norah's infinite playlist (thanks daniel!) and true blood. we wrote out lists of how many guys we've kissed (and stuff) and had a girly chat, it was awesome. my number was far more than i thought.. too shameful to put on here :/ hahahahaha, if you wanna know though, you know where to find me.

off tomorrow too, yay! :)

oh dear, could you imagine? how disgraceful.

i've turned into one of those cunts i always hated.
who get their heart broken and are dicks to everybody who steps into their life after.
...i've turned into my ex.
hahahahaha .... FUCK.

Therapy Session #4-for....everybody.

this is for every time you lay in bed thinking about me.
for everytime you spread shit about me.
for everytime you lied to me, sorry you still have a girlfriend? oh.
..everytime you played pretend to my face, then stole every word from me.
this is for every kiss and every hug, making me more attached.
for every sick bastard who tries to use me, i'm not an idiot anymore.
for my own dickheadness, my own impurity.
for every stupid thought about what you're doing, who you're with. my jealousy rages on.

"and it was like you dropped in from space and i was like ...cool"

that's what Cute Boy said to me just before i left today.

he also told me how much he liked me. and it was super wierding me out.

not that i don't think he's a nice guy, he's lovely. but i don't want anything at all. NOT NOW.

he seems new to everything. i don't know. i don't really wanna know.

ohwell. prom next week. should be good, whoopah.

and even though i'm very happy, i think imma do another Therapy Session. they seem to be helping.

Oh, so pretty!

i got my formal dress finally. it's so gorgeous. oooeeee :) it's like 50's-looking with lots of pretty pink underskirts then the top bit is black lace. i'm gonna wear it with my pearls and white docs i think :) I'M SO EXCITED.

Cute Boy asked me to hang out after school tomorrow. he wants to show me all the original art in the chinese his family owns before it's renovated :( we're both sad about this.

i like that i've made a new friend NOW, after being in school a year and a bit. cool.

ps. hi baste.

Therapy Session #3-my eyes are open up with pure sunlight

Why was i such a crazy bitch?
really?
looking back now, i was.
being crazy and dramatic about everything, things i'd never get angry at with anyone else.
it's because i cared far too much...

i can't work out whether i'm happy or sad.

i know i say this kind of thing alot. like "this made me really happy!" or "i feel sad" but it sort of makes everything real for me.

this time i dont know. me and cute boy just went to get his tux and it felt new and awesome. then i had like an hour to kill so we went round to his house and chilled. but he got really quiet or something. and i talked to his mom and stuff. it was normal.

i feel like he might just be another "empty vessel to project my desires upon"

i don't know. i'm kind of scared.

Therapy Session #2-second hand rag doll

have i reached the top already?
i'm second hand.
out of love.
damaged goods.

i will never be pure again.

here's your christmas present asshole.

so today i watched the movies that shaped my childhood, Stand by me and Back to the future, while writing a "to get" christmas list. after a while i realised that the list of gift receivers this year is totally different than last year.

it got me thinking about how quickly things can change. and how lovely or horrible it can be when they do. am i happy about who is in my life this year? yes. am i annoyed that people have vanished from it? not really. in this life we choose who we love... choose wisely.

heart to hearts are my favourite :)

today was nice. went shopping with Sexylovergirl and we got "BF" necklaces like when we were kids <3 then my mates drove to my house unexpectedly and dragged me out iceskating, resulting in owwie-ness.

just now me and my brother had a heart to heart that lasted two hours. mostly about what will happen to the christmas family tradition now me and / fell out. he really understands. him and one of my best friends, The Dude. they didn't say "you'll make up" like other people. partly why i love them so much.

Therapy Session #1-talk is cheap.

why say things "just because"?
say things you don't mean...
it's not acceptable,
infact it's disgusting and deceiving,

..and it makes me angry just thinking about how sick it makes me.

prom, prom. prom!

Cute boy finally asked me.
Pretty sweet eh.

I wrote so much last month. it's because my diary is full.

and i don't like buying diaries for myself. i think that's the joy of presents. getting something you wouldn't get yourself. therefore: christmas list.

beauty and the beast diamond edition
the little mermaid
the fox and the hound
limited edition beauty and the beast pin
not now, bernard by David McKee (my favourite book as a child)
and maybe another disney mug.
and probably a diary so i don't have to write all this crap down here!

i hope some of you do christmas lists, i'd love to see them :)

Wake up Sleeping Beauty wake up!

With everything that's been going on I forgot to write about my date with The Ex/The Dude the other night.

wow, I asked him to meet me at 5, he did. I asked him if he wanted to go to the cinema, he paid. he opened doors for me, held my hand and he laughed at me when I got scared of a guy dressed as the frank rabbit. I felt safe with him. he bought us a chinese and we fell asleep together.

I'm actually so impressed.
my mate says it's "two years too late" but I think it's just right :)
I'm excited!

Date me. Or don't, whatever.

So prom was last night.

I have pictures but I haven't got my camera.

The night was so tainted.

I actually hated parts of it.

One of my best friends got SO PISSED at me.

It was horrible.

He's never gotten angry at me before.

Then I got angry that he was angry.

See I hadn't seen Hot Guy in ages, he used to be a really close mate. actually we "went out" in p4, hahaha adorable. anyway, he offered me a joint in his hotel room and I asked My Mate if that was cool and he said yes.

Then Tall Girl went and got her boyfriend who was with My Mate and they came up then left again. Rocker Afro Guy was there too, and me and him used to hang in first year. It was really cool to see him again, and we shared a joint out the window and he kissed me and stuff, then I told him I had to go and he was like "i've wanted to do this since first year" and I was like "mannnn we're not doing anything, I have to go" so we left and I saw My Mate walking away. So I went to talk to him and he totally blanked me. And I didn't understand. Then Tall Girl said he was pissed off because he said he'd heard "groans" from the room (groans?!?) I seriously did not get it and I tried to explain (even though I felt it was nobodys business even if I had done something) and he said he "didn't know what was going on" and that he heard me with "william" and I was like WHAT. like who the hell is william?

So he had it in his head i'd fucked some random guy in a hotel room.

So much for knowing me.

Then he was saying this to people.

I just felt like absolute shit. I talked to him as much as possible because I didn't want to ruin his night but I can tell he didn't believe me.

It really hurt that he would jump to conclusions and then not even open his mind to the possiblity he didn't hear what he thought he heard. even this morning he said about a mark on my neck. and I was like... "yeah that was already there from The Ex's last night" and he was like "I didn't see it" Then he told me that's why he was annoyed too, because he thought I was cheating too.

Eugh.

I think he's dealing with some other shit right now so i'm trying to let the whole thing slide but the fact that I know he's thinking something untrue about me is really fucking annoying.

I'm glad I had Sexylovergirl with me or I don't know what I would have done.

Well anyway, both my childhood crushes kissed me, so, success.

You. Are. A. Fucking. Whore.

Song for lovers..

Here’s a song for lovers
Who don’t care if they don’t sleep
If dragonflies with heavy hearts
Cut the air like darts

Here’s a song for lovers
Who won’t ever have to weep
Clear-sighted eyes and uncried tears
All bright out in the sun

You were far too young dear
To get so close to the clouds
No one told you to stay awake
For pleasures of that kind

You were far too small
To step far outside of your house
Now you saw how dragonflies
Tint their hearts with dark

Here’s a song for lovers
Who don’t care if they bleed

You. Are. Naïve.

Fuck this bullshit, it's time for smiles.

earlier, my friend text me asking me if she should stay with her boyfriend.
obviously i have no right to answer this, one because i don't know him well enough to make an informed judgement and two, because i have no idea how he really makes her feel.
so i told her: do what makes you happy, regardless of what other people think.

you just have to.
sure, the odd cry gets out the sorrows, but people who get upset for days on end over little things need to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. it's ok!

You. Are. Happy :)

monster in my tummyyy.

euggrhhh. i am freaking out.
see i've had this really crazy pain that comes and goes in my tummy for like three weeks now.
I didn't think much of it at the start, but it's got like all the time.
i've never had a strange pain. i've only ever had sore throats and stuff.
i've got an appointment wednesday but i was talking to my mate matthew today and he TOTALLY freaked me out. plus i've been looking up my symptoms and all signs point to: not good.
i'm hoping for the best but thinking the worst.
sheesh.

Que tu m'aimais encore, serais ce possile alors?

I guess I was wrong
about the kisses you bestowed on me
the hands that roamed on me
(the nights my heart spoke to you)
the girl that was put behind you
the "job" that "took all of your time"
(the words that said "..the love of my life")
the bed that held us there
the smiles that made us
(the convenience of your lies)
the poetry I inspired, indeed
the snow and sun, we walked
(the nothingness you portrayed to me)
the beauty that wilted now
the bodies are gone
(are you happy now, "lover"?)

what i wanna know baby, if what we had was good, how. come. you. don't. call me. anymore.

i'm so disappointed.
but i seen it coming.
so i went out tonight, and it was okay! i still feel like i'm in a relationship though, so the man action was minimal. i did the usual and got whatever i could from them then ditched. tonight it was a free lift, ahoo.
i just feel so let down tonight.
everything was bullshit, he never meant what he said. and i was stupid enough to take him back again and again, and believe him again and again.
i'll never be able to be free in a relationship again.
jaded.

don't be a little bitch with your chit chat, just show me where your dicks at.

we were meant to be seeing each other today.
he waited until an hour and a half before we were meant to meet up to tell me he wasn't in the "mood".
i overreacted like i always do, but he didn't even apologise until i pointed it out, TWICE. seriously.
i just feel like he constantly plays games with me, he says he still loves me and all, then he does stuff like this that makes me think it's all bullshit.
i told him to ring me if he wanted to salvage this.
i just want some sign that i should hold on......

WHY CAN'T MEN JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT?
my god, what are you, stupid?!
eeeeeeeep!
:)

Uni, winter, NAP TIME!

Oh my god, i forgot how cold winter is. I feel tired ALL THE TIME. i constantly take these little naps and don't even realise, pfft.
Today was good though, one of those "nothing much happened but it was nice" days. my friend brought me in a present though! one of those slabs with the pens for photoshop that my daddy uses, wowee!

It'll be handy when i go to uni to do ANIMATIONNNN :) yes, i've chosen my course. went to the uni yesterday with this animater guy Greg Maguire, and jeez i love the place.. yay!

La La, love plus one!

I never say anything "just because".
I say things because I know they'll make you smile.
...bleh.

And sometimes love isn't enough.

If there is no longing, desperation, and you let that person walk out of your life so easily.. then I don't believe in love

...But relationships are hard.

They are a constant power struggle, they are difficult and consuming.
Past relationships taint new ones, people can't let others in where their last love lay.
People don't know how to trust, commitment is stress to those who are unsure.
People lie to each other.
People are too proud to accept if they are wrong.
People give up on what they want. They let their loves go, why?
I always put myself out there and get walked over for it. But when everything disintegrates i'll know i've done all I could.

I always thought..

when I fell in love, the person would know exactly the right things to say and how to treat me.

a month already.

...this is it.
it's time to move on.

For the first time.

Heard this song for the first time like 10 minutes ago.

Lines of mascara running down my face is an attractive look I say.

You. Are. Strong.

FUCK. why is life and death so horrible. this hwole fucking world is so horrible and disguasting, we're fucked from the day we're born. there is nothing. this is everything. this horrible, painful, numbness. nothing.

i hate it all. why do htings happen. why is it all over.

Day Seven.

The EX text me last night, shocker. he's doing that thing where he sends me like two texts then doesnt text me again. i don't really see the point. i know if i text him back it's likely i won't get a response. so i don't attempt to make conversation.

Today, Cute Boy helped me with photoshop, awesome. at the end of the day i thanked him and told him to text me. he doesn't have my number, but if he really wants it he can find it. we'll see! also people have been saying i'm looking happier recently, ah! :)

Day Six.

Today i found out cute boy from school is thinking about asking me to prom.
and you know. i might say yes.
why the fuck shouldn't i go to my own prom?
jeez, why do i punish myself by denying myself these things.
it wasn't the plan, yeah, but so fuck?
imma buy me ANOTHER pretty dress.

lataaaaa ;)

I. Am. Alive.

reality

the best friend, I talk to through text alone.
the boy, i'll probably never see again. even if I did, I wouldn't remember his face.
the coffee shop has closed down, empty.
the cd is most likely lost or broken, like everything else i've given to him.
and the boyfriend.. who at the time gave me everything I wanted, and treated me just how I wanted to be treated, changed. so did I. and we diminished over the months. grew tired. finally we reduced ourselves to nothing. are we just bodies to each other now?

expectations.

last night a memory came back to me, and I couldn't shake it.
it was last winter, icy. I was in town, and I was happy. I always love belfast town near christmas.
I left my best friend and went to a bus stop.
there I met a student boy. we talked, it was a happy, random conversation.
I was in a good mood that day.
the bus brought me to a coffee shop, where my boyfriend waited. he beamed when he saw me..
I gave him a cd i'd just bought him with his favourite song on it,
and I adored that he liked it..

Day Five.

today i decided i wasn't going to school.
i'm not sick or anything, i just refused to go.
actually i decided that last night at half 1, when i was a total mess.
i don't really understand it. it came out of fucking nowhere, it was like crazy. one minute i was fine, the next minute i couldn't stop crying and i was thinking all these terrible things that i couldn't get out of my head, i couldn't even sleep through all the stupid crying.

how queer am i.

then i wore a mismatched outfit BAM.

i'm wishing desperately for someone to save me.

to look after me.

and at the same time pushing everyone away in an attempt to protect myself from my own imminent disillusionment.

Constantly and unbearably destroying myself.

I. Am. Vacant.

please make it stop.
please.

I heard that was you..

who mistook the steak for chicken?
who'm i gonna stick my dick in?
we're not those kids
sittin on the couch.
who mistook this crap for genius?
who is gonna stroke my penis?
we're not those kids
sittin on the couch.
sittin on the couch.

hey you, could you give it a rest, just take me home, come on and get me undressed. we're geeks but we know, this is ****

how temporary is this plan, because i am not yours and you are not mine.
i like to walk around your room in my underwear and i like it when you stare.
so i crept up so slowly, i crept up behind you
my legs around your waist
my breath on your neck
and i felt like my tummy might explode! :)
and my limbs are owwie from too much "dancing"
and my lips are big from kisses,
and i want you so badly, all of the time.
i'm sorry we're so incompatible,
because i always feel like i did the first time..with you

Are you class? i'm feckin clesss like

fuck me, i am happy.
know why?
i have zero stress!
i'm satisfied.
i'm partied out.
i'm committed to no bitch.
i've stopped giving a fuck about school.
i don't have a job.
i was less than 2 metres away from mike fielding last night! ah
i'm nearly 18.
i don't have anyone or anything to look after.
i'm saying this now in a happier way than i have done before.
i am well and truely mine.
it's kickass!
:)

Rawrmeowlalalalalala, pow pow!

later homies, have a good one whatever you're doing.

She'd be a whole lot prettier if she smiled once in a while. (love to you bloggers)

(8) Everything's gonna be alright, Rockaby (8)

So I felt a bit shitty a few days ago. Because I found out something I didn't want to know and lost faith in humanity.
But you know what? I was sitting on the bus the other morning, listening to Lullaby by Shawn Mullins, and I hadn't listened to it for ages, even though I used to play it flat out. You should listen to it while you read this blog actually, if you haven't heard it. That might be nice. It's not a great song, but it reminds me of when I was little and my momma would play it all the time :)




I like it because he talks through a lot of it and it's hard to sing along to :)

Yeah anyway, I was listening to that on my little country-road bus journey and I was on blogger on my phone (I turned off facebook so I need to occupy myself) and I saw my name, and it was under a post entitled "I. Am. Alone" which I signed off with last time. I read it, and it made me totally fucking happy, then I read Daniels blog and he mentioned me in it too.

And I realised that there is so much more, minor setbacks are just that. My life is not confined to a small town where I live, or the small town I go to school in, Or the slightly bigger town I spend most weekends in. There are people i've never met, amazing people. People I could dance with. People I could listen to music with and sing with. People to drink and smoke with. People to make love with. People to fall in love with. People to hug and people to kiss.

My life will change and mould into something completely undefinable. I am looking forward to the future. This isn't all there is.

The other thing it made me realise is how I started this blog just to get things I was writing out there, I never thought i'd talk to anyone on here, or even read anyone else's stuff, but I have. Shit, i've been talking to Daniel for more than a year (happy anniversary, darling!) and I don't feel like my day is complete unless we talk. And yet i've never put my arms around him or watched a film or seen his face for reals! it's fucking crazzzayyy.

Daniel's Blogs, Alive but not Breathing and Project: ThreeHundredAndSixtyFive

Then I met this awesome free-thinker who decided to follow me one day, she is gorgeous and unique. I highly recommend her awesome readings.
Julias Blog, I Wish I Were British and this post that I like alot.

And Ross! who I haven't got to know very well yet, but kinda hope to as he seems awesomeundooo. he writes this funny little blog and has a sort of alter-ego which is cool, and recently gave people the option to get the right answers to a blog he did, which is like seeing the real him, I sorta love that :) it's well cool.
Ross' Blog, Comical Musings

And my beautiful Shannie, (AKA ross AKA miffy) who is the only person I knew in person before reading her blog. I love reading it because she talks about things I understand and she's full of vintage loveliness. I like her smile and the way she almost knocks me over with hugs. You should have a read.
Shannie's les Danseurs Rubans
She's also multi talented and can do ART wowee! and take beautiful photos and videos like THIS! :) I miss you babe.

I hope you gives have enjoyed this post. I don't do enough long one's anymore.
You guys are fucking kickass.

Here's some picture's that make me feel really happy :)

You. Are. Special.

So Happily Screwed.

What happens when someone you considered so close fucks you over?

This is what happens: You give up on everybody.



The people I know are just people.
The friends I hang out with are "just people"
The Men and the Girls that I kiss are "just people"







Everyone I know has a life outside of knowing me. Sometimes you have to kind of realise that.

I don't know people as well as I think. I am only a part of a massively big thing. Their life.


I will never know what goes through someones head when they do something that I can't ever comprehend.

Like stripping me of my privacy, taking away my intimate conversations and making them into a mockery. Taking away moments and words that I thought were my own.


I would turn to someone to talk to about this.


But I belong to no one.
I am no ones best friend.
I am no ones girlfriend.
Not anymore.
I am mine.


That's all that I can trust in.

I think about everything I used to have. The people I loved. The trust I put in people. The care people showed me. I wish I missed it more. But I feel nothing.


This is strangely comforting. In an incredibly defeatist way.

You. Are. Alone.

*consider yourself one of my best friends.
consider yourself one of my enemies.*

Day Four.

today, i finally bought that onesie that i thought might be a waste of money, then embraced my momma and bro laughing at me :)
i also went out of my way to tell this awesome girl how kickass her outfit was and she laughed and said she thought i'd seen her looking at my boots, which she liked. i like random conversations with people. anyway there's a picture with my original onesie when i was only little.

Day Three.

today i started really noticing boys again.
it's been a long time since i've been single and liked someone.
today he was walking past the car i was driving and i stalled and couldn't get it back on. fml. at least i'm making steps in the right direction.

on the plus side i finished my nightmare before christmas picture.

Day Two.

This is a page from my diary.
No one has ever read a word.
I'm glad to share this with You.
The first person except me.

You. are. Amazing!

Day One.

Today, myself and my friends' ex-boyfriend decided we need to help her seriously with her drinking as she got picked up by the police last night....

I wouldn't have done this without his support, we just care about her too much. Actually i've let her behaviour slide for a long time, putting it down to reboundness. But now i'm seriously concerned for her health.. it's pretty horrible. I'm pushing myself to confront her, something I wouldn't have done before.

This isn't the brightest thing to start off my ONE THING A DAY. But unfortunately it's the thing that has been on my mind all day.

I also dressed up as a princess and took photos for art. But that's nothing new :)

You. Are. Beautiful.

Close your.. Brown eyes.. (ONE THING A DAY)

I'm quite predictable really.
so this is what i'm gonna do.
i'm going to make a promise to do something different every day.

something that scares me, or that i wouldn't usually do.

something unlike me.

i'll blog about it i guess.

meooooooowwwwwww :)

what time is it? prom time.

eugh. prom.
everyone won't shut up about it. like seriously. where are you sitting? did you get your dress? who are you bringing? WHO CARES it's like two months away! and although this is all very annoying i'm getting tired of telling people i'm not going. i think they think i don't have a date.

i do, i have four people wanting to go but i promised myself that if i went to prom again it would be with my boyfriend. he didn't get to go to my last and i've been waiting. but we broke up. typical. fuck prom.

Today i...

a friend grabbing me in the morning for a hug, the tears in her eyes mirroring my own sorrow.
"inspiration is more important than sleep" being scrawled on my notebook.
i failed to comfort others alot today. big eyes brimmed with sadness.
weekend plans being selfishly made.
a step to nudge another.
not thinking.
life choices undecided.
a plan on paper.
an attempt to sleep, a message.
beautiful in madness, we finish.
perfect moments gone.
today is finally fucking over.
i hope i get some sleep.

New Blood

New Blood pumping beside me.
Coursing through heart and lips.
Heat flaring with fleeting whispers.
Begging me to go further.

Happiness is Disney

you have a baby but you are a baby.

ok so another blogger just pointed out that my posts are miserable.
and i kinda have to agree.
jeez like i'm a really happy person, i have really everything i could want, good friends who support me, an amazing family, more attention than i really want and a pretty decent social life :)

i have no reason to be sad! so i picked this as a visual representation of how i feel, meow :)

plus my cousin was just here and she had a kid like last week and we talked about it all night with some wine, sweeet!

effort.

i'm not going to ask him to talk, or explain, or change.
because i'm so ...exhausted... trying to get through to someone who doesn't want gotten through to.
who think's they're always right.
who doesn't listen.

i didn't understand when my boyfriend started telling me all these things.
i "can't" understand.
i have theories. none he would acknowledge.

i feel like i'm not part of something anymore.
i make the effort and talk to him, getting tiny amounts back.
pointless. and empty.

Winter Please?

big coats, pretty snow, romantic dark nights, hot chocolate, sleepyness. make me happy.

"i love everything about you"

-"you already know how i feel, i've said"
-"..said what?"
-whispers. "i love you"
-"....i love you too"

the first time. 25.09.09

lies to yourself

If I could listen, you'd dedicate many a song.
If we were still beautiful, a kiss of perfection would be our calling card.
If our hearts rang out with anything but lust, I'd hold yours so close to mine.
If my touch made your skin tingle, any doubts would perish.
If your voice was still sweet, I'd sew every word, and wear my heart on my sleeve once more.
If my hand could guide you, I'd bring you to the ocean.
I'd reach inside, and rip everything disgusting from our bodies.
Let them float away.

She's very very careful, yes she is.

i really, really miss my daddy right now.
i can't believe it's been like 4 or 5 years.
i hope it's not too late for us.
i hate this so much.

Lets take off together, take off together.

touches are light and flawless,
and vulnerable lips gasp.
keeping inside the word disease,
crawling to its escape.
with a scream it's released,
ugly and crying...
no reassurance does it find,
only the cynicism that had been born there.
confused and naked.
a kiss' intention is to comfort,
but exchanged is only desperation.
thoughts float between us,
scared of what to air.
tell me now,
am i just another?
the heart doesn't know,
disconnected.
were you right?
are we all just fucking alone?

"because you've got really long arms. you should use them to hold me tight"

"One day i was hanging out with him and it wasn't even close to christmas. But i was like "wow i'm really happy hanging out with him, it's kind of like christmas" and so i said he smells like christmas in this song. But i don't really think he smells like christmas.

He just makes me happy.
That's it."

oh god, it's so over.

Together's always better.

passion is beautiful.
passion is painful.

I just re-read an email my boyfriend sent me when we had a big fight again.

We'd never said anything that horrible to each other-ever.

Each word is like a punch in my stomach, the meanings are becoming clearer every time.

If this is how he feels when he's angry, then it's just the truth that he's been hiding inside. I wonder if i'll ever be able to think clearly around him again, to have nothing but dumb happiness.

dumb. stupid. that's what I am.

Here comes the sadness that i miss so much.

That lonely aching comes from every touch.

i'm sad today.
summer is almost over.
and i feel like a total failure.
here's a list i made on blogger a few months ago.
i wonder what i've actually done or haven't done.


pass driving test ...NO
buy car of my dreams ...NO
pick up my boyfriend in said car, that will be LEGEND. ...NO
go to music festival (glasgowbury perhaps!) ..ok i did do this one.
have sex in a tent ...and this.
survive without washing for two days, bokee. ...and this
buy a fake ID to do me for the summer fs ...didn't need one in the end.
smoke a joint with ciara in the sun ...it wasn't in the sun but we did at some point.
swimswimswim in the sea! ...NO
talk to my dad more ...NO
treat my momma better ...probably not.
dye the ends of my hair red ...NO
try not to drink to the point of not knowing what i'm doing ...NO.

Well done, summer plans.
oh and welcome, new follower Sian.

you. are. perfect.

You told me I was the neatest thing, you even asked me to wear your ring. uh huh, Mhm.

Gonna get along without you now.

I think summer is beautiful, but boredom and lack of money and purpose is wasting.
I love going out and dancing with random people.
I like big bows, denim jackets, doc martens, and flouncy 50's dresses.
I feel...moved by this lovely song i'm listening to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fh4l2cubkAQ&feature=related
I have my nails painted grapefruit pink today.
I am going to watch the last episode of Buffy the vampire slayer today. I have watched all seven seasons this past while.
That sounds lame but you have to watch Buffy to realise why it's so great and why i'd spend.... however many hours..i can't even do the math... of my life watching the greatness.


"You're *not* friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood... blood screaming inside you to work its will. *I* may be love's bitch, but at least *I'm* man enough to admit it."


I like thinking of a memory and smiling to myself. Because shit, if no one smiled no one would find a reason to.
I like vintage prom dresses, and keeping myself occupied finding the perfect one.
I hate the inevitable alevel result day. I know I will disappoint.
I like seeing people I haven't seen for a while and still being as close as ever.
I love being cuddled, and falling asleep warm with love in human form...for me anyway, to everyone else he's just the guy with the camera... :)
I'm happy listening to music and drawing pretty little pictures.

You. are. beautiful.