effort.

i'm not going to ask him to talk, or explain, or change.
because i'm so ...exhausted... trying to get through to someone who doesn't want gotten through to.
who think's they're always right.
who doesn't listen.

i didn't understand when my boyfriend started telling me all these things.
i "can't" understand.
i have theories. none he would acknowledge.

i feel like i'm not part of something anymore.
i make the effort and talk to him, getting tiny amounts back.
pointless. and empty.

Shine on.

sometimes it's easy to put people to the back of your mind.

out of nowhere, i dreamt of her. last night. i dreamt she was alive, we were having fun but she fell. i looked after her. i knew in my heart she was not alive, i had to save her from the people who wanted to pronounce her dead.
so we ran together, her legs not bound to a chair.

they caught us and i hugged her and cried, and couldn't stop crying. and she felt real in my arms, i felt her thin arms and shoulders, and her dark hair in my face.

Silence.

And so it is, once more.

A weary head, falling asleep.

Nights of the same.

Again and again.

This is what will become of me.

An empty bedroom, a clenched stomach.

My heart is grinding against my chest.

The door is locked, he hands me the key.

A little less cold.

My fingers release the grip.

...safe?

And so it goes, the first time.

A bag. A card. A note.

My heart relentlessly pounding.

My tongue involuntarily licks my lips.

bite.

My head is a buzz, laugh and laugh.

A voice in my head tries to tell me,

Warns me to be safe when I party.

But I can't listen anymore.

I can't hear.

My body is confused and feels broken.

I touch. I stroke. I shake my hair.

A head to my chest.

Listens to my disgusting heart.

yours.

I am free now, a pretty dress adorns me.

My bare hands a symbol of what is lost.

And yet a kiss still lingers on my lips.

Waiting to be shared.

never.

With all this madness...

I feel alive.

Yet pushing on without me,

I am so silent now.