i'm all over the place.

(8) so i breathe deep, so i can't sleep, but my eyes weep, as my soul creeps. i'm so sorry. (8)

everything is so mixed up.
and there is no one to fix it.

favourite arcade.

im so sick of being melodramatic.
so im going to write this with no stupid lyrics, no stupid metaphors, just like it is.

i've been seeing my "boyfriend" on and off for like a year and a bit..
yet we've only been offical for not even a month.
and in this month, i have seen him like...three times?!
all three times i have went to him.
in this month, he has stood me up like.. three times.
so he's stood me up the same amount of times i've seen him.

what i'd like to know is, what have i actually got out of this month?
i've got collectively like seven hours of happiness with him.
he doesn't text me unless we're making plans, so i haven't had those little awesome times either when you get a text that makes you smile and you feel loved, nope, haven't had that.
thinking about it, he doesn't even text me when we ARE making plans.

the bottom line is.. i can't see other people, and i can't see him either? im basically single, but not allowed to see anyone.

self esteem is like this much *holds thumb and finger apart*

it's not that we don't have a great time when we're together, and i do love him, but i'm starting to wonder if this is the right thing.

personally i think people should have equal amounts of respect for each other, take turns in visiting each other, and WANT to see each other, in a relationship. clearly, i have none of these things.

i just want him to show me he loves me. right now he's just another guy.

And if i could be who you wanted, all the time.

I wouldn't.
Because i am myself.
I have shitty days.
And i have awesome days.
Like everyone else.
I fight with people, and i'm nice to people.
After more than a year.. you would think you'd be able to be comfortable enough with someone, to be able to speak about how you're feeling.
Tell them you're upset.
Or tell them you're happy.
But apparently you're not.

Because you can be completely comfortable with someone, include them in everything. Your thoughts, your life, you can be totally absent of everything, leave it at the door, and be yourself in a way you've never been before.

And yet, when it comes to expressing your emotions in the purest (but maybe harsh-est ..is that a word?) way, suddenly you're not the same person that has been there for this long..

I try to tell people everything i feel, i string it into a random amount of questions. I cover every. single. stupid. thought.

But you know.. that's how i fucking roll. I'm proud to say i don't hold back, and i'm proud to say that if you don't like it, i don't really care.

Because there is always someone else who can appreciate you for who you are, not a perfect perception of what you should be, that someone has just made up in their head. No-one is perfect. NO-ONE.

I'm glad that i can see the good in people. And that i don't throw things away at the drop of a hat.

Fuck it, i'm done.
I feel like the last year and whatever months has been a complete waste of my time.
I got experience.
I got lies.
I got shitty feelings.
In the end i got myself into a hole, that i'm now going to have to get myself out of.
I'm trying not to blame myself entirely, even though that seems to be how it's perceived.
IDK. And i don't give a shit anymore.
I'm so glad i have another reason to hate everyone. And everyone's stupid ideas of what perfection should be.

Fake plastic trees is such an awesome song right now, loving it.