Mokingbird <3

I'm gonna start writing in this again. I stopped for a while, because I would have to like write everything up to this point. Things that have annoyed me or upset me, but fuck that i'm gonna concentrate on one thing right now. Spurred on by 'mokingbird' (Eminem) one of the only songs that makes me cry. ('Breakaway' being another-Kelly Clarkson and 'Flightless Bird'-Iron And Wine)..

When I hear mokingbird, I remember the first time it played on my ipod. James had stuck loads of music on it when I left it in his house. We were driving past the cemetary in belfast sometime last year. I cried in the backseat from the cemetary to my street. Roughly 20 miles. I pulled up my hood so my family couldn't see me (it's not hard to quietly sob in a car that was, at the time, blasting carlos santana) and thought about why this song had brought on such emotion.

((am I lieing? I can't even tell anymore))

Clearly part of it was the cemetary, where one of my best mates from school is buried. But mostly it was a man. He's supposed to be a man anyway.

This "man" expects me to be nice to him. He expects me to be happy for him. He fucks off for years at a time, calling me every once in a while just so that he doesn't have to feel guilty for being "neglectful" or whatever. And when he calls he doesn't even have the decency to listen. He hears, yes, and when he finds something that sparks his interest, he talks to me about it (this is never anything about me-god forbid-but more music, films or-kill me now-weather) and you know what, i'd rather he wouldn't fucking ring me to do this. If he just left me the fuck alone, not calling at all, at least I wouldn't be reminded that he doesn't care. Because that's all the phone calls do.

((none of this is my fault))

When i'm with him (which is very rarely, every three or four years for like 2 months), he doesn't even have the decency to put me first. It's her who's side he takes. And the funny thing is, she doesn't even appreciate it. I've never met someone so insecure, so petty, so jealous.

((can I believe this to be true?))

True, I may be prettier than you. I may be thinner than you. I may be gradually growing smarter than you, and I may be more upfront and less bitchy than you, but that's not a basis to hate someone. Get over yourself.

I'm not arrogant, although this is how it sounds. You have made me like this. At first I thought it was my fault. And then I realised how you work. I have no reason to feel guilty. Because I can honestly say that I had nothing against you. Before you got green eyes.

((why do they tell me he cares? I don't like being lied to))

So I don't understand why he thinks im still some kind of his responsibility. Clearly i've done without him this long and look at me. I'm fine. And yet he thinks he need to get involved in something that quite frankly has nothing to do with him.


He is not my friend.
He is not my family.
He is a person who I know.

And to be perfectly honest, I can't even say I know him.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2fX7xSweoAU