Happy to be Girl B.

you're feeling sad again.
and i can't do anything.
my arms can't embrace you.
it's hard.
hard with an ocean between us.

i wish i could erase the tone in your voice.
you sound so alone.
and my impatience is my biggest flaw.
i never want to grow impatient with you.
not with an ocean between us.

lets start again.
i want you as my friend.
lets begin a new year.
will you be my friend?

everything will be okay.
and it won't be too long.
so hold on.
until there's no ocean between us :)

Dear John...

you paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain.
you changed the rules everyday, wondering which version of you i might get on the phone. well i stopped picking up.
dear john, i see it all now that you're gone. don't you think i was too young to be messed with? the girl in the dress cried the whole way home.
maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame. or maybe it's you and your sick need to give love then take it away.
you're an expert at sorry. and keeping lines blurry.
you should've known.

Can we lie in bed all day and watch it get dark outside? :)

meow, yesterday was so fucking awesome. i smoked a joint with my boyfriend in the snow, and we lay in bed all day in the apartment his family doesn't use. we went shopping and i bought my mumsie some chanel :) then he brought me back to his restaurant and we had a wee beaut dinner with wine. it was SO LOVELY.

i can't believe i'm so happy, at the start i didn't want anything because i thought it was impossible to feel anything for a long time.

...and now i'm falling for him.

it's amazing.. :)

RAWR.

..And happiness comes in the form of my adorable chinese boyfriend.

pfft and there i was, wanting to be single forEVER.

but man, there is just something about this boy that is so different. i can't believe i've been seeing him for like two months, and i'm only realising it now. we already agreed not to see other people. but that was stupid.

a friend asked us if we were going out today when we were in smoking alley because we were having cuddly time.. and i was like, meh i guess we are. why should i be scared of the WORD "boyfriend".

But hmm, he makes me happy :)

Therapy Session #8-violent words and empty threats, aint it sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

i just read old emails, from someone i was in love with. it's like i was blind. i can't believe i didn't see it before, i constantly put SO MUCH into something that wasn't there. i realise what i was to him now.

i treated him like he was the only man in the world, like i was in debt to him because he loved me. i held on to him as if no other man would love me, touch me, or kiss me the same way. like he was the only man with a penis and a mouth. i'm sad we're not friends, but i'm glad i can finally see.

HELLO WORLD! i'm back! :)

you know... it's amazing what difference a day makes. like seriously.

i'm so happy today. life is good, and exciting.

i think i was wrong too.
it's funny how you don't realise how much you like someone until you see them and you get a surge of happy hormones!

it's also strangely liberating to know he will not be reading this.

mmm. kisses in classrooms and lovely notes left for me to find. people saying we're adorable when we're together. i think i like this more than i tend to let on...

French Lingerie.

New underwear.
Thrown out the old.
Hiding behind smiles,
My blood runs cold.

Kisses of many.
Hearts of none.
Free and pulled away,
From under my thumb.

Body is empty.
Though technically filled.
Doubts are repeated,
The Rebound is killed.

Mouth is dry.
Nothing is spoken.
To another i'll feel,
Until after we're broken.

Therapy Session #6-And you give yourself away.

i'm applying for glasgow. i want to get away from here, go somewhere to be taught properly. on my own.

it's like... do you ever feel like your life is missing something? or someone? ...i do. i can feel it in my stomach. it's out there, it or she or he. maybe it's myself, maybe i need to find my own way. to satisfy the yearning.

i just don't want to be alone. that's what's holding me here. i want familiarity, safety. but if the last 10 weeks have taught me anything? it's that i can survive without it.